Earlier this month, some members of my family claimed that the dog peed on the floor.
During a recent historic summit/nap, I sat down with Scooter the dog and discussed this issue, along with other amazing and incredible topics that I can't talk about. Here are some of the results of our discussion:
• Scooter looked at me strongly with his eyes and seemed to deny it while he sniffed for crumbs on my shirt.
• I realize that other family members are confident it was Scooter, but I’m not even sure that it really happened.
• If it did happen, it could have been the cat or perhaps even one of the neighborhood cats that broke into our home and peed on the floor.
• Haven’t we all peed on the floor at some point in our lives? We’re all to blame.
• Relations with the dog were at an all-time low before I gave him a treat, and now things are better than ever.
• What about when there was cat hair on my suit jacket last fall? Why aren’t we talking about that?
• If there was any pee on the floor, I can state for sure that there was NO DIFFUSION!
• I am confident he won’t pee on the floor again. But again, I mean that he didn’t pee on the floor earlier, but if he didn’t not pee on the floor, then I believe him that he won’t not not pee again.
I’m glad we were able to clear that up.
In a related matter, I have been inspired by our famous leader to look more critically at items that people believe but he doubts (such as election interference, global warming, how the post office works, spelling, etc.) and I have come up with a few other issues to add to the list:
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter – Why wouldn’t it be butter? It looks strongly like butter.
Thanos – Plenty of villains could have wiped out half of the Avengers universe. I’m not even sure that it happened.
Ripley’s Believe it Or Not – I choose not.
Whitney Houston – If the children are really the future, why don’t they have jobs? I believe the adults are the future.
Investigative reports from Fred, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy and those dogs – Why would Old Man Jenkins dress up like a ghost? It could have been anyone.
In a somewhat related matter, I also don't believe that columns need to always have a clever ending.
Nick Claussen is a freelance writer with too much time on his hands. To see more of his work, please visit nickclaussen.com. And if you have any items that you don’t believe that would be good to add to this list, feel free to add them in the comments. Thanks!