The Athens News - Humor

Humor Issue 2012

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 00:00:00 CDT

Each year The Athens NEWS produces the eagerly awaiteds satirical special section the HUMOR issue. This year's lead covers the popular topic of fracking. To read the digital edition of this story along with the rest of the HUMOR special section, click here.

Convo roof at top of list of new 8 Fest sites

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 00:00:00 CST

Wal-Mart, Strouds Run and the Convocation Center's roof. What do these places have in common? The founder of 8-Fest, Dom Pizza, announced yesterday new potential locations for this May's edition of the Woodstock-style student concert festival.

Humor Issue Briefs

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 00:00:00 CST

Budget cuts announced Ohio University officials announced their newest budget cut yesterday in a letter written by Vice President for Finance and Administration Stephen Silvering.

With help of booze, OU hopes to up library use

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 00:00:00 CST

Ohio University announced Thursday that it has approved a proposal from Alden Library to add a new option to the Café Bibliotech’s menu: alcohol.

Barefoot look stirs schism between pro-foot, anti-foot factions

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 00:00:00 CST

The name of the game is denial.

At Ohio University, some students love to play.

Spanking gains newfound popularity among parents, perverts

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 00:00:00 CST

New research out from the Institute on Parenting and Peccadilloes shows that the practice of spanking is on an upward swing amongst parents and perverts nationwide, figuratively and literally.

Student fees to fund flubber research

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 00:00:00 CST

As Ohio University’s budget woes deepen, OU officials have faced mounting criticism over the use of student general fees to subsidize a mediocre athletics program few students seem to care about. At last week’s Trustee meeting President Roddy McDavell moved decisively to address these concerns, unveiling a plan to radically reshape OU sports through invention of a super-bouncy elastic gel that will make Bobcat teams virtually unstoppable on the playing field.

Mayor goofs, sells city

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 00:00:00 CST

In an unprecedented move over the weekend, Athens Mayor Paul Wiehl mistakenly signed a contract with a major corporation to privatize all government and community services within the city.

Researcher fears roundabout could generate tornadoes

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 00:00:00 CST

Since Athens’ traffic circle opened last fall at the intersection of Richland Avenue and Ohio Rt. 682, fears that the unfamiliar driving pattern might cause a spike in traffic accidents have proved unfounded. An Ohio University graduate student, however, warned Tuesday that during research for his master’s thesis, he’s come to believe that a much bigger, unsuspected danger may be lurking in the “roundabout” – incredibly powerful mini-tornadoes.

‘Salmonella outbreak’ actually mom-induced nausea

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 00:00:00 CST

Health officials confirmed yesterday that an outbreak of dizziness, cold sweats and uncontrollable retching that swept Athens last May, though attributed at first to a salmonella infection from a local Mexican restaurant, was actually induced by the spectacle of thousands of middle-aged matrons cavorting like brain-hammered lap-dance girls during Ohio University’s Moms Weekend.

OU prez deposed; faculty erupts in jubilation

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 00:00:00 CST

ATHENS — An 18-day-old revolt led by the faculty of Ohio University ousted President Roddy McDavell Friday, shattering seven years of political stasis here and overturning the established order of the OU and Athens communities.

Mayor rules a banana republic

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:00:00 CST

Following an inspired moment during an appearance on CNBC, Athens Mayor Pauly Wheel has decided that all city employees should now be compensated in pounds of bananas.

Wheel was interviewed by Erin Burnett of CNBC in January. When asked about bank bonuses seen as scandalous by some, Wheel made a statement that would lead to his eventual epiphany.

Humor Issue: This team's smokin'!!

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:00:00 CST

The Ohio University men's basketball team is considering an entirely new strategy for next season, where players will not only go unpunished for marijuana infractions, but will be encouraged to use the drug as a regular part of their training.

An assistant coach who asked not to be identified for well, really obvious reasons, was finally reached after numerous phone calls seeking comment. He said he had "�spaced out" watching Bob Ross, forgetting to call back. � The coach reiterated that he was "�really sorry, man."

Humor Issue: Engineer launches war on right-of-way terror

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:00:00 CST

The Athens County Engineer's Office is requesting permission to employ "�robust interrogation methods" and "�extreme rendition" of suspects to neighboring counties, in its efforts to combat what one agency official calls a group of radical militants bent on seizing control of county road easements.

"�These people are fanatics who hate our democratic freedoms "� including the freedom to enjoy a neatly mowed, well-maintained right-of-way on all county roads, with clear sight lines and a firm, graveled shoulder," warned Deputy Engineer Mick Cranberry at Tuesday's county commission meeting. "�They will stop at nothing "� and buddy, I mean nothing "� to realize their brutal dreams of conquest."

Humor Issue: Facebook will now allow creative relationship statuses (or stati)

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:00:00 CST

In order to better reflect the reality of today's dating scene, Facebook.com has announced changes this morning that allow users to customize their own relationship status, giving an entirely new meaning to "Facebook official."

On top of that, Facebook now allows users to list their relationships with others without Facebook profiles and without approval, opening the door for users to list themselves as "In a Relationship" with zombies, werewolves, vampires and celebrities, to name a few.

Humor Issue: Hazing victim sues OU for ruining his Greek prospects

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:00:00 CST

An Ohio University student who was force-fed grain alcohol, clubbed with aluminum baseball bats, then dragged naked behind a snowmobile during a fraternity hazing ritual has sued OU for suspending the frat.

Sophomore Templeton P. Ovine claims that by throwing the Alpha Stigma Ho fraternity off campus for hazing him, the university has now "�totally screwed" his chances of being accepted into a Greek organization.

Humor Issue: K-9 cop reaches end of rope, sues his human handler

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:00:00 CST

A canine officer attached to the Athens County Sheriff's Office has filed a criminal complaint against his human partner, citing a state law that makes it a felony to threaten to harm any police officer whether the victim is a human, horse or dog.

"�That hairless two-legged cretin threatens to kill me at least two, three times a week, and now he's done it one time too often," fumed K-9 Sgt. Fetchy McBarf Thursday. "�Just because he's got a badge doesn't put him above the law. And he's about to get some justice doggy-style."

Humor Issue: If only this idea were full of holes

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:00:00 CST

Athens Police are investigating a recent outbreak of "�sexting" in the city, where residents are actually trying to have sexual intercourse with their smart phones.

Some have even allegedly tried to have sext with their ordinary dumb phones.

"�These crazy idiots," declared OU Police Chief Richard Governor. "�They heard about college students sexting, and got it all mixed up. They thought they were supposed to have sex with their phones."

Humor Issue: Prosecutor to probe GOP lightly, with relish

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:00:00 CST

A special prosecutor has been called in to investigate whether the Athens County Republican Party has been setting furniture fires on election days in OU student neighborhoods, in order to distract Democratic-leaning students and keep them away from the polls.

David Yo Ho's, a prosecutor in Delaware County, confirmed Friday that an Athens County judge appointed him to investigate the allegations against the county GOP.

Humor issue: Mother of all snowstorms paralyzes Athens County

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:00:00 CST

Following weather reports that the city of Athens may see one to three inches of snow this week, all area schools have shut down for the month, government offices will be closed until further notice, all vehicles are required to have snow chains put on their tires, and residents are advised to not even look outside.

Athens Mayor Pauly Wheel has requested that the National Guard be sent in for additional protection from what he described as "�this treacherous and brutal natural winter disaster."