Following weather reports that the city of Athens may see one to three inches of snow this week, all area schools have shut down for the month, government offices will be closed until further notice, all vehicles are required to have snow chains put on their tires, and residents are advised to not even look outside.

Athens Mayor Pauly Wheel has requested that the National Guard be sent in for additional protection from what he described as "œthis treacherous and brutal natural winter disaster."

A special prosecutor has been called in to investigate whether the Athens County Republican Party has been setting furniture fires on election days in OU student neighborhoods, in order to distract Democratic-leaning students and keep them away from the polls.

David Yo Ho's, a prosecutor in Delaware County, confirmed Friday that an Athens County judge appointed him to investigate the allegations against the county GOP.

Athens Police are investigating a recent outbreak of "œsexting" in the city, where residents are actually trying to have sexual intercourse with their smart phones.

Some have even allegedly tried to have sext with their ordinary dumb phones.

"œThese crazy idiots," declared OU Police Chief Richard Governor. "œThey heard about college students sexting, and got it all mixed up. They thought they were supposed to have sex with their phones."

A canine officer attached to the Athens County Sheriff's Office has filed a criminal complaint against his human partner, citing a state law that makes it a felony to threaten to harm any police officer whether the victim is a human, horse or dog.

"œThat hairless two-legged cretin threatens to kill me at least two, three times a week, and now he's done it one time too often," fumed K-9 Sgt. Fetchy McBarf Thursday. "œJust because he's got a badge doesn't put him above the law. And he's about to get some justice doggy-style."

An Ohio University student who was force-fed grain alcohol, clubbed with aluminum baseball bats, then dragged naked behind a snowmobile during a fraternity hazing ritual has sued OU for suspending the frat.

Sophomore Templeton P. Ovine claims that by throwing the Alpha Stigma Ho fraternity off campus for hazing him, the university has now "œtotally screwed" his chances of being accepted into a Greek organization.

In order to better reflect the reality of today's dating scene, Facebook.com has announced changes this morning that allow users to customize their own relationship status, giving an entirely new meaning to "Facebook official."

On top of that, Facebook now allows users to list their relationships with others without Facebook profiles and without approval, opening the door for users to list themselves as "In a Relationship" with zombies, werewolves, vampires and celebrities, to name a few.

The Athens County Engineer's Office is requesting permission to employ "œrobust interrogation methods" and "œextreme rendition" of suspects to neighboring counties, in its efforts to combat what one agency official calls a group of radical militants bent on seizing control of county road easements.

"œThese people are fanatics who hate our democratic freedoms "“ including the freedom to enjoy a neatly mowed, well-maintained right-of-way on all county roads, with clear sight lines and a firm, graveled shoulder," warned Deputy Engineer Mick Cranberry at Tuesday's county commission meeting. "œThey will stop at nothing "“ and buddy, I mean nothing "“ to realize their brutal dreams of conquest."

The Ohio University men's basketball team is considering an entirely new strategy for next season, where players will not only go unpunished for marijuana infractions, but will be encouraged to use the drug as a regular part of their training.

An assistant coach who asked not to be identified for well, really obvious reasons, was finally reached after numerous phone calls seeking comment. He said he had "œspaced out" watching Bob Ross, forgetting to call back.   The coach reiterated that he was "œreally sorry, man."

Following an inspired moment during an appearance on CNBC, Athens Mayor Pauly Wheel has decided that all city employees should now be compensated in pounds of bananas.

Wheel was interviewed by Erin Burnett of CNBC in January. When asked about bank bonuses seen as scandalous by some, Wheel made a statement that would lead to his eventual epiphany.