Athens County plunged into more than five hours of shuddering, white-knuckle panic Saturday afternoon, after a 6-year-old girl at the Albany Community Park, reportedly seeking to draw attention to what she called the unfair monopolization of the slide by “stinky big boys,” announced that she had locked herself to the swing set and would never, ever leave.

Barely a month after Athens City Council voted to loosen restrictions on allowing chickens inside city limits, chickens living in a near east-side neighborhood have announced plans to hold a "totally squawkin'" spring block party next weekend in the Hudson-Elmwood area.

Teeming hordes of Athens city officials and employees stormed county offices early Friday morning declaring political sovereignty over all of Athens County.

In the wake of news reports suggesting that a growing number of financially strapped female college students are hooking up with "sugar daddies" to help pay their bills, Ohio University officials last week announced a new program to cultivate affluent, libidinous middle-aged men as financial donors, by placing selected students in internships to serve as their concubines.

Ohio University senior Erich Mannowitzy is sticking to his story that he forgot his girlfriend's birthday and slept with her cousin because he's mad about the economy.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un issued a statement on Thursday identifying Athens County as a primary target for an imminent military strike by North Korean forces.

Athens Police on Saturday arrested two men found wandering naked, covered in oil and muttering incoherently, on the city's north side. Police soon released them, however, after realizing they were city code inspectors sent into the county's rural back-country to enforce the city's 20-mile fracking ban.

Ohio University President Roderick McDervish revealed some shocking aspects of the university's budget in a public presentation on Thursday, revealing that one-third of the current budget goes toward concealing the rest of the university's expenditures.

Each year The Athens NEWS produces the eagerly awaiteds satirical special section the HUMOR issue. This year's lead covers the popular topic of fracking. To read the digital edition of this story along with the rest of the HUMOR special section, click here.