Long-distance dating can be stable, but only with some stable partners

Dear Harlan: Any tips for moving on from a year-and-a-half-long college relationship? My girlfriend ended it because the distance between us over breaks was too much. Also, we both will be graduating next year, but there is no guarantee we'll end up in the same city or even remotely close to each other. I guess the fact it was so mutual makes it harder – we didn't end it because we were fighting or having major disagreements or weren't getting along. It makes it feel so open to the possibility that it still could work. But she says she's firm on it being the right decision. I'm wondering how to move on, and if there's a certain time period to wait and not talk before transitioning into being friends? We both know we eventually want to be friends; we can't completely lose each other. It's hard enough already. I'm not sure if being friends immediately after this breakup is actually helping either of us. – Permanent Break

Dear Permanent Break: Mutual? Sounds like you're ready to be her boyfriend like, tomorrow. I get that she doesn't like the distance, but no relationship has geographic guarantees. People get relocated for work. Getting into grad school can be unpredictable. And people move for unexpected reasons. Her thinking makes me believe she hasn't really thought this through or there might be something or someone on her mind. Know what she needs? To not have you around to call 24/7. I know it's painful, but talking to her regularly isn't going to help anyone. Miss her. Let her miss you. Make yourself busy. Get a part-time job, take on a physical challenge, hang out with friends, date, re-establish what it's like to be single, and stay busy. If she finds a new boyfriend (painful, I know), trust that her doubts went deeper than distance. If she comes back to you after some time apart, trust that she won't doubt what you have again. Give her time and space to miss and appreciate what she had. I have a feeling that she'll soon realize that a stable relationship has less to do with location and more to do with the people in the relationship.

Dear Harlan: My ex and I recently had a big blowout and broke up. Now that it's over, I guess my biggest question is, how do you get back to being friends after going through a relationship? Are there any rules? Steps? Processes? Both of us have decided to give each other some space, try to be open and honest, and maybe possibly start hanging out again in the next few weeks. What do you recommend? How can we get back to being friends? – Ex-Friend

Dear Ex-Friend: It's tricky to be friends after being in a relationship. In order to make the transition, both exes have to really want to just be friends. That means you have to be able to be in the same room and not imagine kissing that person. You have to be able to be in the same room and watch someone else kiss your ex. You can't get drunk and hook up. You can't stay sober and hook up. You also can't fantasize about being with your friend or imagine being together again. You have to actually behave the way friends who have no sexual attraction behave. If you can't do that, you can't be friends. (c) Harlan Cohen 2012. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.

Harlan is the author of "The Happiest Kid On Campus: A Parent's Guide to the Very Best College Experience (for You and Your Child)" (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.