Insults

Near the end of his life, celebrated homosexual wit Quentin Crisp used to give theatrical presentations of "An Evening with Quentin Crisp." In the first half of the program, he would speak; in the second half, he would answer questions from the audience. A woman once asked him if he believed in reincarnation. Mr. Crisp replied that he did not, and after finding out that the woman did, he asked what she wanted to be reincarnated as. On hearing the answer – she wanted to be reincarnated as herself – he asked, "Lady, have you no ambition?"

Dame Lilian Braithwaite could be very insulting. Once, she was dining with her daughter in a restaurant when a very ugly man came in. The waiter asked if he was wanted a table for two, and the very ugly man replied, "No, I am quite alone." Dame Lilian murmured to her daughter, "I am not surprised." Another example: As the actress Yvonne Arnaud aged, she grew fatter. Dame Lilian once remarked about her, "It's still the dear little face we all loved so in "By Candle Light" – but there's another face around it."

Soprano Kirsten Flagstad disliked receiving visitors backstage after her concerts and sometimes kept even very important people from visiting her there. Early in her career, she even declined to receive the great soprano Frances Alda. Big mistake. Ms. Alda was known for forcibly expressing her opinion, and she said of Ms. Flagstad, "Tell that Norwegian peasant that her singing is great, but she had better learn how to dress her hair and put some polish on those rough nails!"

When Bruce Froemming was a rookie major league umpire, catcher Tom Haller had fun with him. For several innings, Mr. Haller asked about every close call but not in an insulting way. Then he asked, "Bruce, what's your last name?" Mr. Froemming told him, and Mr. Haller asked him to spell it, which he did. Mr. Haller asked, "With one 'i'?" Mr. Froemming said yes, and Mr. Haller said, "That's exactly how you've been calling the game all night."

William Randolph Hearst and Marion Davies lived together, although they were unmarried; however, they refused to let visitors to their San Simeon mansion do as they did. Dorothy Parker visited San Simeon, did as Mr. Hearst and Ms. Davies did, and was disinvited to the mansion. On her way out, she wrote in the guestbook: "Upon my honor/I saw a Madonna/Standing in a niche/Above the door/Of the famous whore/Of a prominent son of a bitch."

Thomas Whittemore, a representative in the Massachusetts Legislature, once spoke out against legislators voting on a bill to increase their own wages. Nevertheless, the wage increase was voted in with a large majority. Afterward, Rep. Whittemore was asked about the vote. He replied, "Naturally I am disappointed by the action taken on the bill; but I guess I can do nothing now but pocket the insult."

S.N. Behrman tells this anecdote about Oscar Levant: He was talking to Mr. Levant about a mutual acquaintance, and Mr. Levant said that he had walked with him recently and found him to be a good companion. This surprised Mr. Behrman, as Mr. Levant had previously said insulting things about this acquaintance. Mr. Levant replied, "Well, you know I hate 'em til they say hello to me."

When Sir Larry Lamb was editor of the Daily Express, he suffered a serious heart attack. Fortunately, the distinguished surgeon Gareth Rees saved his life by operating on him for nine hours. Afterward, a member of Sir Larry's staff was quoted (anonymously) as saying that the operation had lasted so long because Dr. Rees had needed eight hours simply to locate Sir Larry's heart.

Nellie Melba could be very rude. Once, she and Mary Garden were invited to give a concert at Windsor Castle for the King of Greece. At the supper following the concert, Ms. Melba said, "What a dreadful concert this would have been if I hadn't come!" Lord Farquhar started to compliment Ms. Garden but she said simply, "Please don't bother about me, Lord Farquhar. I love Melba's rudeness. It amuses me."

Hollywood producer Joseph Schenck saw Katherine Hepburn and Otto Preminger dining together, so he stopped by and said, "Miss Hepburn, how come in all these years in Hollywood, we never met?" Not liking to be interrupted, Ms. Hepburn replied, "Mr. Schenck, I consider that one of the great achievements of my life."

British Labor Member Leslie Lever once said, "I have been accused of being ungenerous to this Government. Generosity is a part of my character, and I, therefore, hasten to assure this government that I will never make an allegation of dishonesty against it wherever a simple explanation of stupidity will suffice."

While attending the University of Texas at Austin, Janis Joplin began her singing career at a local folk club. Once she insulted some members of a fraternity. They got revenge by entering her name in a contest to decide the "ugliest man on campus." (She came close to winning.)

Frances Kelly, the Irish artist, once made several purchases at a London shop, then told the saleslady to send the items to the Irish Embassy. The saleslady said, "Irish Embassy? I thought you were in our Empire." Ms. Kelly replied, "Didn't know you had one."

In the 18th century, Richard Porson was Regius Professor of Greek at Cambridge University. He had a number of enemies, one of whom told him, "Dr. Porson, my opinion of you is most contemptible." Dr. Porson replied, "Sir, I never knew an opinion of yours that was not contemptible."