Husbands and Wives

Opera singer Mary Garden gave much of the credit for her success to American women because they dragged their husbands to the opera houses to hear her sing. One of Mary's sisters witnessed a typical example of this in Paris when Mary was singing in "Thais."
An American man complained to his American wife, "I didn't want to come here and you know it. I wanted to go to the Folies Bergre." His wife replied, "Well, you're here now, darling, and you're going to hear Mary Garden in "Thas" with me." Once the opera started, and Ms. Garden was singing, the man said, "Gee, this is swell. Give me your glasses" and he kept his wife's opera glasses throughout the opera.

Author Peg Bracken knows a woman who was tired of both her husband and housekeeping, so she left her husband, leaving behind a note explaining that she wanted a divorce. The following day, she returned home to get a few clothes, only to discover that her husband was worried sick about her, because he hadn't found the note. She couldn't remember where she had left the note, so they searched for it, and as they searched for it, they got friendly and stayed married. By the way, sometimes long-married people don't listen to each other. Peg Bracken's mother once asked her father, "You remember Jim Byrnes?" Her father replied, "Yes, he went to California." She said, "No, he died." He replied, "Well, I knew it was someplace nice."

Country comedian Jerry Clower grew up in the South at a time when white people thought they were better than black people. He grew up racist, but he changed. One of the reasons he changed was the behavior of a black man he worked with. Both he and the black man sold fertilizer, and they got to talking together about their families. The black man's wife was mentally ill and had been in a mental institution for 25 years, but he had remained faithful to her for those 25 years. Mr. Clower says, "I don't know whether I could be faithful for 25 years to a lady after the doctor told me she wasn't ever going to get out of the mental institution."

Comedian Rita Rudner got married in a courthouse, and she and her husband didn't spend a lot of money on wedding photographs. Instead, both of them brought cameras. She asked a passerby to take their photo, so her wedding photo shows her and her husband smiling, and in the background is a soft drink machine and a man drinking a Diet Coke. However, it could have been worse, and it was. Her husband's camera contained a very old roll of film, and when it was developed, in addition to the one wedding photo of herself, she saw lots of photos of her husband's old girlfriends.

Norman Lear, who revolutionized television sitcoms in the 1970s, wanted to propose to his then-girlfriend, Lyn, as they were vacationing in Kauai. She was very relaxed, lying in a hammock, and Mr. Lear knew he shouldn't disturb her, but he was so nervous he decided to propose right then. Unfortunately, although he is a writer, the right words would not come to him. He said, with increasing desperation, "How can I show you? How can I tell you? WHAT CAN I DO?" Lyn, still relaxed, replied, "You can leave me the fk alone."

Many people, including straight people, love the characters of Alison Bechdel's comic strip titled "Dykes to Watch Out For." At a wedding ceremony, one couple had a table set up to display objects representing people they wanted at the wedding, but who were not able to attend the ceremony. One of the items was a button of Mo, the central character in the cartoon strip (and the one based on its creator).

Luci Johnson got married while her father, Lyndon Baines Johnson, was President of the United States. In such cases, a desire for privacy often is ignored. After her wedding, which was attended by hundreds of people, Luci complained, "I wanted just my immediate family and friends. My parents invited only the immediate nation."

Mexican artists Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo mostly had a happy marriage, but occasionally they had disagreements. Mr. Rivera liked Ms. Kahlo's hair including her unibrow and her mustache. In fact, he got angry when she once shaved off her mustache. When they had big quarrels, Ms. Kahlo would get back at her husband by cutting off her long, luxurious hair.

When Tom Gorman was umpiring in the International League, a fan started to ride him pretty heavy. Unfortunately for the fan, Mr. Gorman's wife was in the grandstand. She clobbered the fan with her pocketbook and the crowd gave her an ovation.

On her 38th wedding anniversary, comedian Anita Milner said, "You know I finally realized? If I had killed that man the first time I thought about it, I'd have been out of jail by now."

W.C. Fields once wanted to stay in a certain hotel suite, but he was told that it was the honeymoon suite and he would need a bride to stay there. He replied, "That's all right I'll pick one up in town."

Comedian Stan Laurel's first marriage ended in divorce. At the divorce proceedings, Mr. Laurel's wife claimed that he had once dug a grave, then invited her to jump into it.

Rabbi Aryeh Levin was amazingly empathetic. Once, he accompanied his wife, Hannah, on a visit to Dr. Nahum Kook, and he told the doctor, "My wife's foot is hurting us."

Carole Lombard's second husband was William Powell. On her honeymoon, she sent this telegram to her friends: "Nothing new to report."

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." Jane Austen, "Pride and Prejudice."

"The person who has been married for many years knows far more about love than the person who has been married many times." Tom Mullen.

When George Gershwin was told that the woman he loved had married another man, he said, "I'd feel terrible about this if I weren't so busy."