‘Salmonella outbreak’ actually mom-induced nausea

“It seems we owe an apology to the proprietors of the Casa Dirty-Sanchez restaurant,” acknowledged Chuck D. Hummer, administrator of the Athens City/County Health Department. “We had at one point announced that it was probably some ingredient in their chiles rellenos entrée that caused dozens of individuals city-wide to experience flu-like symptoms and spontaneous digestive reversal. Upon further investigation, however, we now believe that the multiple reported cases of people becoming sick to their stomachs that weekend were in fact a collective visceral reaction, triggered by the sight of great milling herds of OU mothers, breasts nearly erupting out of sequined elastic tube tops, mouths smeared with fluorescent peach lipstick, lurching down Court Street from bar to bar on stiletto heels, guzzling liquor, squatting in alleys to urinate, and grinding their mature, child-bearing pelvises against the taut thighs of their sons’ college-age peers.”

OU sophomore Niles Tancredo confirmed that though he and his divorced mother Doris, 44, did eat at Casa Dirty-Sanchez the Saturday of Mom’s Weekend, he’s now convinced it was his mother’s sloppy, lascivious behavior in an uptown bar later that night that caused him to become violently ill.

“First Mom slams back like, five shots of Jågermeister without stopping to take a breath – just bam, bam, bam, bam, bam,” he recalled. “Then she starts bawling along tunelessly at the top of her lungs with Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker Face,’ spraying saliva all over the bar, in between telling anybody who’ll listen that she’s just now hitting her sexual prime, and this is ‘mama’s night to howl.’ After a few more drinks – and I swear to God, I’m not making this up – she starts, like, pole dancing up and down on my roommate Darrell’s leg. That’s when I first noticed I was feeling a little queasy.”

An OU official who helps organize Mom’s Weekend said Friday that while the university can’t eliminate such sickening displays, it does put together a rich assortment of alternative entertainment options to attempt to minimize them.