Mayor goofs, sells city

As its first official act as owner of the city of Athens, Greed Inc. announced Saturday that the entire municipality will be run as a for-profit business, and revenue generation will be the sole goal and responsibility of Athens government.

All issues relating to community welfare and the wellbeing of citizens have been removed as priorities, the president of Greed Inc. said at a press conference following the announcement.

“First and foremost, we’re here to make money,” president Pluto Cracy said. “We will do whatever it takes to make as much money as possible. We plan to milk this cow dry, send all the profits back to corporate in New York and leave the city a barren wasteland, eh?  Eh?”

Wiehl seemed mildly embarrassed by what he called “a bit of a goof” on his part.

“Whoops,” he said with a nervous chuckle when asked about the contract. “You know, I thought I was signing a veto of the contract. Turns out I was signing my approval of it. Boy, is my face red.”

City Law Director Putt Long was on the golf course during the meeting between the mayor and Greed Inc. representatives when the contract was signed. He was asked about what legal advice he gave the mayor on the matter.

“That contract was pretty thick,” Long said of the 15-page document. “I thumbed it. I told Mayor Wiehl to follow his heart.”  He then totally sunk a 40-foot putt and high-fived his caddy.

City Council President Bill Partiality revealed that City Council members have been notified that they will each be required to operate hot dog and falafel stands around town for 20 hours per week as a part of Greed Inc.’s money-making initiatives.

“It’ll give us a chance to interact with the little people again,” Partiality said. “So that’s a plus.”

For his part, Wiehl emerged from his office Saturday wearing a suit akin to what NASCAR drivers wear, plastered with various beer and car oil advertisements.

“Let no ad space go unused, is the new philosophy, we’ve been told,” Wheelie said sheepishly. “All city buildings will be renamed after various corporations, and billboards will be hung on every wall and in every park around town.”

Also, the Athens City Schools are being turned into market research centers, according to Greed Inc.’s president. Children will consume a wide variety of snack-food products at lunchtime to determine which ones they like the best, he said, while the rest of the day will be spent judging various gaming consoles and watching pilot television programs.

“Trust me,” Greed Inc. president Cracy said, “the kids are going to love it.”

Big changes are also coming to the Athens Community Center, according to Wiehl. “First of all, it’s the Athens Doritos Center now, OK?” he said.  “And we’re transforming it into an indoor amusement park with a water slide!”

“Each ride will impose a nominal service fee and feature themes based on Pepsi products,” Wiehl said. “All government services around town will come with a fee from henceforth, in fact. And we’ve got some exciting bumper-stickers that will be required promoting whatever auto insurance company you use.”

Wiehl said that a number of new revenue-generating initiatives are going into effect including advertisement requirements for residential lots and automobiles, and drastic fines for failing to meet these requirements.