Student fees to fund flubber research

“It has become painfully apparent that in the view of a growing number of stakeholders, our varsity sports programs are not providing an adequate return on general-fee investment,” McDavell acknowledged. “The message is loud and clear: Intercollegiate athletics at this institution must change, and change in a dramatic and fundamental way. And that is why today I am asking the board to approve funding for a $6.2 million multi-disciplinary research project, to develop and patent a fantastically resilient new compound that, when applied to our basketball players’ hands and the soles of their shoes, will enable them to dribble the ball at blinding speed, spring hundreds of feet through the air like human grasshoppers, carom harmlessly off solid objects, and score on opponents at will using comic aerial acrobatics and eye-popping trick plays.”

The Promise of Flubber program, a joint venture between the Intercollegiate Athletics department and OU’s Rutts College of Engineering, Technology and Fashion, will be funded by a 20 percent increase in the general fee effective spring quarter, McDavell said. “I think the size of that commitment should help put to rest any lingering doubts as to where this board’s priorities lie,” he added.

Rutts College Dean Irwin Dennis reported that once the plan is approved, the college is ready to launch an immediate nationwide search to hire an adorably absent-minded genius to handle the actual inventing.

“We see the most immediate applications for a negentropic quasi-sentient meta-stable hyperelastoid proto-polymer in the area of basketball, though we think that with a few modifications it could prove equally advantageous on the football field, especially in field-goal situations,” he told the board. “And as a bonus, it might also help reverse global warming, provide an endless supply of free, non-polluting energy, and stuff like that.”

Trustee chair M. Marmoset Perry called the proposal “a world-class example of win-win, cross-platform synergy at its most robust and aspirational,” which she apparently meant as praise, as well “a resounding confirmation of just how seriously this board treats the concerns of our students and faculty.” Non-voting student Trustee Kyle Quadruplett echoed this remark, cupping his hands around his mouth and repeating in an airy, fading voice, “--aculty… aculty… aculty.”

Athletics Director Jim Shirt said the initiative has the potential to become “the most transformative re-visioning of the Intercollegiate Athletics mission within the context of our core academic and institutional values since Rufus the Bobcat bitch-slapped Brutus the Buckeye in front of 100,000 Ohio State fans.”

He offered a breathless scenario of what the patenting of a space-age flying-rubber material could mean to OU.

“Picture the scene: The men’s basketball team is down by a point to Miami, playing for the MAC championship, with 10 seconds on the shot clock,” he narrated, after having the lights in the room lowered for effect. “Point guard C.J. Dooper takes a pass at midcourt. He’s hemmed in. But wait! He springs straight up in the air, turns a slow-motion quadruple back-flip over the upturned faces of the astonished RedHawks, then comes down ball-first in a perfect swan-dive slam-dunk as the buzzer sounds and the crowd explodes! Oh yeah, baby! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!”

At this point the proceedings were interrupted for several minutes as McDavell and the board members leapt to their feet, cheered, whooped, blew plastic horns, exchanged high-five slaps, and waved giant foam “#1” hands with upraised fingers in the air, while Perry performed an impromptu version of PeeWee Herman’s “Tequila” dance on top the conference table.

After calm was restored, Steve Barley, an associate professor of classics and world religions who’s become a prominent spokesman for sports-hating faculty, offered a predictably elitist response. His voice shaking, Barley told the board that its willingness to neglect core academic values and the minds of the next generation for something as ephemeral as athletic victories “calls to mind the tragic hubris of the great King Agamemnon, prepared to place even his own daughter on the bloody altar of sacrifice, merely to obtain favorable winds to speed his voyage.”

“Speaking of winds, does anyone else want to turn down the AC in here?” piped up board vice-chair C. Robert Joker.

“It does seem a little chilly,” agreed Trustee Sandra Andersonville. “That’s why I always bring a sweater to these things.”

Students asked about the new program were for the most part uninformed, though some were also incoherent.

“So, wait – what you’re saying is, I actually pay fees to go here?” asked junior Hondo Barstool III.  “Which are different from tuition, I got that. And the fees are how much again? Is that, like, written down somewhere? I can’t believe you’re saying they spend it on football, though. That is so f---ed up. Because I came to college to like, learn and stuff. Didn’t I?”