Finding the love of your life and the life that you love... in Athens, Ohio

"I don’t date because there is no one to date in Athens,” a female friend told me.

I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve heard that from singles in Athens, male and females alike.

“Yet, you’re here, in Athens, a vibrant, intelligent woman, yes?” I asked her. “And if every other single, vibrant, intelligent person in Athens has the same attitude as you do… ‘there is no one to date in Athens,’ doesn’t that maybe explain it?” “Explain what?” she asked. “Why you think there’s no one to date in Athens.”

“I… uh… well. I guess I never thought about it like that.”

And there it is in a nutshell. The Scarcity Trap — believing there is a limited supply of possible partners so you have to take what you can get or be alone. Or travel really far outside of Athens to find someone to date or to have a relationship.

Given a scarcity mindset, often people will avoid dating altogether, as is the case with my friend. Yet, this self-preservation technique can create a world of isolation, frustration and depression. Relationships are as essential to our health as nutrition and physical activity — social support has been linked to better heart health, a reduced risk of dementia, and better coping skills during tough times.

But in a town seemingly dominated by college students and couples, what are singles in Athens to do?

The first step is to acknowledge that you actually do want to share your life with someone. Many singles don´t succeed in finding a relationship because they’re ambivalent about really wanting one. Getting clarity on your life goals is part of the first step to attaining them. Start by identifying what you truly want.

The second step is to acknowledge your fears, recognizing that they have kept you from achieving your goals all along. Knowing that you fear rejection, change, or loss of independence is important so you can develop strategies to overcome them. This kind of strategizing can best be done with a relationship coach, who will help keep you honest and focused as you take action and pursue your relationship goals.

The third step is to make your availability known.

1. Start by losing the losers

If you want to find your soul mate, you must be available and not involved with people who aren´t right for you.

2. OK, available now? Next... are you "ready?"

Do you have any unfinished business that might sabotage your next relationship? Get it handled now!

3. Next, make a list your top five requirements

Your requirements are the “must haves” in your relationship; otherwise you would not enter into the relationship or you would leave if you were in it. Make a list of your non-negotiable deal-breakers and vow not to get involved with anyone who doesn´t meet all five. Share your list with your closest friends and make them swear to tell you the truth and to lock you up if you get off-track.

4. Good job. Now, let´s get crystal clear about this "dating" thing

If you want to avoid the deadly dating traps, focus on these four steps:

• Scouting: This is the process of finding compatible people to meet, whether through Internet dating sites, through friends, through getting out there, etc.

• Sorting: This is about quickly determining if someone you meet has potential. You’ll need to have your top five requirements handy.

• Screening: This step is concerned with collecting enough information about the other person to determine if your requirements would be met.

• Testing: This step involves dating a few times so that you can compare the reality with the information you gathered. That´s it... nothing more, nothing less. No "trial" relationships, no fun flings — just these four steps.

5. Get support

Don´t do this alone. Dating can be scary and isolating, and your friends and family can be your safety net to help you stay on track.

6. Work it!

Most people meet their soul mate through someone they already know, so let people know you´re looking for someone and network like crazy.

7. Be positive and happy

Success breeds success, just as misery loves company. It’s your choice.

8. Be the Chooser!

Go after what you want and don´t simply react to what or who chooses you.

9. Be assertive!

If you settle for less, you´ll get less. Ask for what you want and say "no" to what you don´t want.

10. Live a great life NOW while you´re single

"If you build it, they will come" (from the movie "Field of Dreams").

Tracy Corrigan is a licensed relationship and life coach, living in Athens. You can visit her website at www.fito.com or email: tracy@ftio.com