Humor issue: Mother of all snowstorms paralyzes Athens County

Following weather reports that the city of Athens may see one to three inches of snow this week, all area schools have shut down for the month, government offices will be closed until further notice, all vehicles are required to have snow chains put on their tires, and residents are advised to not even look outside.

Athens Mayor Pauly Wheel has requested that the National Guard be sent in for additional protection from what he described as "œthis treacherous and brutal natural winter disaster."

Athens County Sheriff Pat Kelly Green said he plans on declaring a Level 4 snow emergency as soon as the first flake hits the ground Monday.

"The many hundreds of thousands of tragic deaths due to this snowstorm will not be on my conscience," the sheriff declared. "I will issue my warning, and people had better heed it."

The County Engineer's office has brought in 23 dumpster trucks filled to the brim with salt in anticipation of the weather. Two more trucks carrying pepper were left in the garage.

"These roads are going to be more salted than the finest prosciutto," Engineer Archie Z. Livingston said. "You even look at these roads and your blood pressure is going to go through the roof. That's how much salt we're going to put down. For real."

A Cleveland-area meteorologist contacted about the weather report said that one to three inches of snow is actually rather mild. He became silly with laughter when told of Athens officials' plans.

"You've got to be kidding," he said. "Two flakes of snow and it's the Apocalypse in southeast Ohio. We've got snow up to my crotch here in northeast Ohio. Every inch of pavement is covered with black ice, and power lines are down all over the city. Have we shut anything down? Hell no!"

Nevertheless, Athens city officials recommended that area residents buy two to three months worth of canned food supplies as quickly as possible and begin to prepare for what can only be likened to a bear's winter hibernation period.

"Few will be spared from the wrath of this weather beast," predicted County Commissioner Lenny Elyscoming. "Old Man Winter is pissed, and he's bringing the broad-based cane down. For real."

The Athens Red Cross has set up shelters all over the county in anticipation of the storm. Officials from the Red Cross are encouraging residents to purchase snowshoes at local sporting goods outlets in case they have to trek across the tundra to make their way to a shelter.

"Load up on everything," a Red Cross spokesperson said. "If at all possible, purchase a dog sled and a healthy pack. That's the only way you'll be able to travel for the next several months... for real."