Humor Issue: Prosecutor to probe GOP lightly, with relish

A special prosecutor has been called in to investigate whether the Athens County Republican Party has been setting furniture fires on election days in OU student neighborhoods, in order to distract Democratic-leaning students and keep them away from the polls.

David Yo Ho's, a prosecutor in Delaware County, confirmed Friday that an Athens County judge appointed him to investigate the allegations against the county GOP.

"Yes, it's true; I have been appointed, but I don't really expect to find anything wrong," said Yo Ho's, who happens to be a state leader for the same party as the Republicans he's investigating.

However, he added that he believes any wrongdoing probably extends to Democrats, and he's all over that like honey on rye, or more likely, mustard on rye. That spicey deli mustard.

"Aside from the fact that they must have done something wrong," Yo Ho's explained, "the Democratic officeholders' heads are massive "“ bigger than three melons put together "“ and that's just not right."

He said the street-fire allegations involve a plot whereby local Republicans hired someone to haul huge piles of second-hand furniture into student neighborhoods on election day, douse them with gasoline, and light them in hopes that the fires would distract students (who are mainly Democrats and liberals) and keep them away from the polls.

However, he said, from what he understands, the fires also attracted several big-headed local Democratic office-holders as well as former party chair Susan Dragwinn, who may have a bigger head than anyone. "These people have the emotional intelligence of drunken rock stars," Yo Ho's added, " and they most certainly would be drawn by a big honking fire."

Asked what's illegal about that, Yo Ho's explained that the Ohio Revised Code expressly forbids, "um, well, I'll find that section, but believe me, it's illegal for them to be standing around a big honking fire."

Asked why the fire was "honking," Yo Ho's cited a section in the Ohio Revised Code that strictly forbids asking foolish questions about his choice of words. "Um, well, I'll find that section, too," he added when asked to find that section, too.

Meanwhile, the OU College Dingbats and Democrats have come forward to protest the insinuation that they could be distracted by something as obviously distracting as a big honking fire. "You must think we're idiots," said club president Mandy Pepperidge. "We got drawn to the fire because county party chair Susan Dragwinn advised us that if we pretended like we were distracted by a big honking fire, that Republican-voting students would also be attracted to it. It was a great plan, and if Susan signs off on it, obviously it must be OK."

Pepperidge, wearing a very nice cheerleader outfit we might add, acknowledged a basic fault in the plan, however. "Well, we really were distracted by the fire, and since we outnumber the Republican students, maybe it wasn't such a great plan after all."

Pondering the question for a moment more, she said, "Now that you mention it, this is all Susan Dragwinn's fault, and we're tired of politics anyway. Does anyone want to play Wii bowling?"