Humor Issue: K-9 cop reaches end of rope, sues his human handler

A canine officer attached to the Athens County Sheriff's Office has filed a criminal complaint against his human partner, citing a state law that makes it a felony to threaten to harm any police officer whether the victim is a human, horse or dog.

"œThat hairless two-legged cretin threatens to kill me at least two, three times a week, and now he's done it one time too often," fumed K-9 Sgt. Fetchy McBarf Thursday. "œJust because he's got a badge doesn't put him above the law. And he's about to get some justice doggy-style."

McBarf's partner, Lt. Morris Johns, dismissed the criminal charge as an interspecies vendetta, which he suggested may be driven by the K9 officer's festering jealousy of Johns' higher rank, opposable thumbs, and larger frontal lobes.

"Officer McBarf has gotten more and more difficult to work with over the last few months, and "“ man, I hate to say this publicly "“ but some of his behavior is starting to seem pretty bizarre," Johns alleged. "To be honest, I've kind of seen this coming for a while. I suggested last week he should take some time off, go chase cats or whatever. But he's gotten so paranoid, he probably just thinks I'm trying to get him out of the picture so I can chew on his tennis ball and sleep on his special blanket."

According to the complaint filed against Johns, the human officer threatened Tuesday morning to murder his partner "“ specifically, to "rip his mangy head off" "“ during a domestic dispute that erupted after Johns allegedly discovered a pool of the K9 officer's urine on the kitchen floor of the home in The Plains that the two officers share.

"You need to hear the full story," insisted McBarf. "Monday evening, for two solid hours I'm scratching at the back door, whining, running around in circles, the whole song and dance. My back fangs are floating, but Officer Alpha Dog's reading the funny papers, ignoring me as usual. I finally came up to him with the leash right in my mouth. Nothing. I even sat up. I sat up and begged, for crying out loud. Do you know how degrading that is? And Mr. 'I'm More Evolved Than You' just sits there like a sack full of stupid, probably trying to sound out the big words in 'Hi and Lois.'"

McBarf acknowledged having relieved himself in the house, but claimed he was driven to this act only by his partner's criminal neglect.

"What was I supposed to do?" he demanded. "Grab a couple of semaphore flags in my mouth and signal, 'BLADDER ABOUT TO EXPLODE'? It's not like I can talk, right? So after he went to bed, yeah, I hiked my leg on the kitchen tiles. You'd have done the same thing if you were in my "“ well, OK, I don't wear shoes. Scratch that. Anyway, next morning, here comes Laughing Boy, hung over like always, stumbling for the coffee maker in his bare feet. Sploosh! Steps right in the Yellow River. Man, you should have seen him! Hopping up and down on one leg, screaming like a little girl all about, he's going to have me put to sleep, he's going to neuter me with his bare hands, and blah, blah, blah. I was lying there listening to all this, and I just said to myself: All right, enough is enough."

Sheriff Pat Cooley said Wednesday any threat against a police officer of whatever species should be taken very seriously, and prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

"I don't care if that officer is a human being, a dog, a horse, a chicken, a marmoset, a Komodo dragon, a capybara, a Meer cat, an octopus, a lemur, a snail, an armadillo, a fruit bat, or a hermit crab," he said. "And yes, I do realize that most of those species are not widely employed in law enforcement. But I'm putting the bad guys on notice right now: If I ever hire a wallaby as a deputy, and you threaten that wallaby officer in my county, you will be arrested. End of story."