Mayor rules a banana republic

Following an inspired moment during an appearance on CNBC, Athens Mayor Pauly Wheel has decided that all city employees should now be compensated in pounds of bananas.

Wheel was interviewed by Erin Burnett of CNBC in January. When asked about bank bonuses seen as scandalous by some, Wheel made a statement that would lead to his eventual epiphany.

"I make $72,000 as a mayor. I break it down to minutes and I get about 58 cents a minute," he said. "I relate it to what I buy in the grocery store. A pound of bananas is 59 cents... am I worth a pound of bananas a minute?"

Well, the mayor has now decided that he is worth exactly a pound of bananas a minute, and has declared that now all other city employees will also henceforth be compensated in pounds of bananas.

At a press conference announcing his decision, Wheel "“ while eating a nice, ripe banana "“ pointed out what he called the numerous health benefits of bananas.

"I've been living off nothing but bananas for years now," Wheel revealed, chewing. "Bananas stave off various cancers, and can be used to treat kidney stones and high blood pressure."

He said that the uses of bananas go beyond health. Minutes later the mayor reemerged in a fully tailored, long, yellow banana costume.

"Look at this outfit," he demanded. "You see this thing? 100 percent banana rind."

He proceeded to do full-out song and dance versions of "I'm a Chiquita Banana" and "The Banana Boat Song."

Wheel scoffed at the suggestion that city employees might need actual cash to pay bills and purchase products.

"I've got on banana underwear," he said. "I live in a tent made out of banana peels. A big tent, too, OK? It's made from 50,000 bananas, all of which I ate myself. You know something? I don't pay jack for that banana house."

When asked how he keeps warm during these tough winter months living in a banana tent, Wheel revealed that he's also been burning dried banana peels for heat.

"With bananas, the possibilities are truly endless... I want to create an entire banana economy right here in Athens... Why can't you people take that seriously?" Wheel asked, adjusting his banana costume.

The mayor said he envisions a day when all paper money in the city will be replaced with pounds of bananas.

Some City Council members took umbrage at the mayor's unconventional assertions.

"This is southeast Ohio, not some banana republic," said Third Ward council member Nancy Been. "It's ludicrous. It's ridiculous. It's scandalous. Why would the mayor want to compensate employees in pounds of bananas? Obviously employees should be compensated in pounds of paw-paws."

During the revelation of the mayor's plan and subsequent council responses, Athens Law Director Pat LangLang has barricaded himself in his office, disconnected the phone lines and is said to be visibly distressed over the announcements and cries of outrage from city employees.

A worker in LangLang's office who asked to remain anonymous described the situation at the City Building as "bananas."