COMMERCEBest New BusinessEditor's note: We regret that a mistake was made in the print version of these results on Thursday, Jan. 28. We mistakenly labeled as the winner Restaurant Salaam. The actual winner is Dunham's Sports (as the short writeup in the print edition explains). How did this happen? A series of dumb mistakes says it all. Our apologies for the mixup.Dunham's SportsDunham's Sports on East State Street has won this year as best new business in Athens. This huge sporting goods store occupying the old K mart spot in The Market on State boasts sports-related stuff out the wazoo, whatever that is. And if a wazoo has anything to do with sports, you can bet that Dunham's has plenty of wazoos in stock too.Second place goes to Kiser's BBQ Shack, featuring that authentic southern BBQ that would make Slim Pickens howl for more.Third place goes to Zonez on West Union Street, where, according to their Facebook site, impossible is nothing! This place offers some of the best promotional products for businesses around.
Best Local Advertising Campaign

Avalanche Pizza

More than any other local business, Avalanche Pizza has carved out a local reputation for its funny and offbeat ads. After all, if you're going to sell us something, at least entertain us while we're being hypnotized by advertising. And, well, Avalanche ads are crack-up funny.

Avalanche not only "wins" this category; they stomped everyone else flatter than a "“ well, you can guess where this is going.

The Hungry Howie's bus wins second place, and third is a tie between BellaVino and Tony's Tavern (our print edition misakenly stated that The Athens NEWS won third. That's an embarrassing mistake, but believe us, not intentional [though maybe freudian]).

Others that did pretty well in this category include Holzer Clinic, Big Mamma's Burritos, Donkey Coffee, Goodfella's, Jimmy John's and more.

Best local carryout

BellaVino

When you want to walk in, buy something, and carry it out, you can't find a better place for the activity than BellaVino on Stimson Avenue. This place is enjoyable when you're just picking up. It's a pleasure during the purchase. But as you carry that purchase out the door, it's like you've found Shangri-La right here in Athens.

Next up for best carryout is Stop 'n' Cop, where you don't even have to get out of the car. You can just stop and, uh, cop, and then drive away again. Bing Bang Boom.

And you're one fortunate puppy if you decide to go to Lucky Dog for carryout. Ask for Nate Dawg and your carryout will be so delightful you might just carry it out twice.

Hippest Clothing Store

Athens Underground

For some reason we skipped this category last year, and instead asked about Athens' "best" clothing store. But no matter how we ask it, Athens Underground always seems to take top honors if this general category. 2010 is no different.

Second place goes to Artifacts and third to the other place. No not the other place, but The Other Place. Who's on first?

Others that garnered multiple votes include Figleaf, Import House, Elder Beerman, Maurice's, Wal-Mart, Goodwill and Second Hand Rose.

Best Place to Find Hard "“To-Find Items

C&E Hardware

At our house, the best place to find hard-to-find items is assuredly inside the living room couch. Car keys, cell phones, wallets, books, that half-eaten bowl of chocolate pudding "“ the couch devours them all. Look there first, we always say.

But that will probably not work for most of our readers, and we wouldn't want them tracking up our clean living room floor in any case. So instead, we recommend that the next time you're searching for that elusive doodad, thingamajig or whatsis, you head straight for C&E Hardware, which over the years has totally owned this category.

You need a left-handed monkey wrench? They've got it. (No one should have to suffer with a loose left-handed monkey.)

Second place goes to the store that probably helps inspire C&E to do their best each and every day "“ Wal-Mart. Third place goes to Athens Underground.

Mentioned with honor by our readers were Big Lots, Haffa's Records, and the Import House.

Best Window Display

Artifacts Gallery

This category is a close race every year, and 2010 is no different. Similar to '08 and '09, Artifacts Gallery this year edges Cross Court Cards and Gifts by a couple votes in the Best Window Display category.

College Book Store comes in with a close third place.

Others that got a respectable number of votes include Mountain Laurel Gift Shop, Passion Works, Figleaf, The Other Place, Import House and more.

Best store with friendly service

C&E Hardware

C & E Hardware wins again this year as Best Store With Friendly Service. This is really no surprise. The folks over at C & E have a preternatural friendliness that essentially defines the phrase, "service with a smile."

Sometimes when people are depressed they'll jet on over to C & E just for a pick-me-up, no hardware needs whatsoever. Psychiatrists have begun to prescribe C & E for some of their most needy patients. Some say C & E is on the cusp of entirely replacing Zoloft, if it can just find a way to export itself.

Next up in this category is BellaVino carryout, where the employees make the customers just as happy as the fine wines they're buying. Third place goes to Donkey Coffee and Expresso, where even your cup of coffee seems to smile back at you.

Best Local Entrepreneur

Lili Chandler

In our late capitalist economy, where prices and production levels are set by tacit oligarchic collusion among giant multi-national corporations, the entrepreneur "“ risk-taking, independent, innovative, and altogether Ayn Randian "“ remains a dashing figure of free-market folklore. But far be it from us to trample anyone's Adam Smith fantasies underfoot; heck, it would be like telling a kid there's no Santa Claus.

Taking the honors as Athens' number one athlete of enterprise is Lili Chandler, owner/operator of the BellaVino beer & wine shop. Let's drink to her continued success!

Second place goes to developer Brent Hayes, who's got his finger in so many pies, he's got pie on his fingers. He is or has been involved with The Market on State, the Palmer Place apartment complex, and a whole bunch of other projects too numerous, as they say, to mention.

Third place goes to Alan McMillan, who with his wife runs Cranberry Row, a rental properties business that has taken the Athens' market by storm in the last couple of years.

Best Store Athens Needs

Target

OK, OK, already. We admit it "“ Athens will never be complete, never realize its sacred destiny, until it finally obtains a Target store.

This is what our readers told us last year, and this year it is what they have told us, overwhelmingly, once again. Tar-get, Tar-get, Tar-get, they chant. Oh bring us a figgy Target, and bring it right here. We won't go until we get one. But is anyone at Target corporate headquarters paying the slightest attention? As if.

Second best-needed store, sayeth vox newsuli, is Kohl's, which got an honorable mention last year and is movin' on up like the Jeffersons.

Third place goes to Old Navy, which likewise won third place last year.

Other heavy vote-getters include BellaVino, (which is already here, but presumably much needed nonetheless), Best Buy (second place last year, and slipping downward like the American middle class), and Trader Joe's, a 2009 honorable mention.

MISCELLANEOUS

Best Local Event or Festival

Ohio Brew Week

Stop the presses! (We have always wanted to yell that, from our very first day in newspaper journalism.) The uptown Halloween party didn't win this year! It didn't even make the top three! Jinkies! What can it all mean?

Pushing the 'Ween bash off the crest of the BOA hill this time around was Ohio Brew Week, a foamy celebration of all things beery, beerish, beer-flavored, and beer-related, which is held annually right here in Athens, Ohio. (Of course, Athens Halloween does have a tenuous connection to beer as well.)

Second place is a tie, between Boogie on the Bricks and "“ we kid you not "“ the Pawpaw Festival at Lake Snowden.

Boogie on the Bricks, we understand, is some sort of big "ecstasy rave" or outdoor "hootenanny," where local "young people" (and all other ages) listen to "Big Beat" sounds and gyrate in crazy "dances" like the "Mashed Potato," the "Pony" and the "Peppermint Twist." They call that stuff music? You can't even understand the words half the time.

The annual Pawpaw Festival is the brainchild of "the pawpaw's proud paw," local farmer Chris Chmiel. So let us join in raising three hearty cheers for Asimina triloba, North America's largest native tree fruit, renowned for its creamy texture and tropical flavor! Pawpaws to the people, right on!

Halloween, which has been winning first place since the late Pleistocene era, falls to honorable mention level this year. Sic transit gloria.

Best Local Government or University Proposal

Richland Avenue Roundabout

I'll be the round about
The words will make you out 'n out
I'll spend the day your way...
Call it morning driving thru the sound and
In and out the valley...

Yes.

Now that that's out of my system, you guessed it, the Richland Avenue Roundabout wins the Best of Athens prize for Best Local Government or University Proposal. Athens residents just can't wait for the opportunity to hop on the traffic circle on the south side, and just spin round and round all day long. Yikes, I get dizzy and nauseous just writing that.

Second place goes to "semesters," which suggests that the changeover at OU is popular among some folks who read our paper. The good thing about semesters is that you have 14 weeks in order to try to get a good grade. The bad news is that you have 14 weeks...

Bike lanes wins third spot in this category. Just think, the human race went millions of years without bike lanes until one day, a light bulb went off in some dude's head, and voila! we had special lanes for bicycles. Also placing third are the Nelsonville bypass and OU Dean of Students Ryan Lombardi (darn it, Ryan's not a proposal! He's a man).

Other proposals that got more than a few but under several votes include Bobcat Lane, "fire McDavis" and nothing else got more than two votes.

Best Example of Local Media Snoozing

Susan Gwinn Scandal

This category is always a puzzler. Invariably our usually discerning readers will pick the story that's received the most headlines of anything in the months before the survey is published. 2010 is no different, with the "Susan Gwinn scandal" taking first place. You might recall this minor little situation, since it did garner ABOUT 100 GIGANTIC HEADLINES OVER THE PAST THREE MONTHS.

This being the case, we can only conclude that our readers think so much of our skills that we and the other local media could cover this story in our sleep. At this point we almost could.

Second place goes to "any Ohio University issue." This, again, is a case of a story that's being covered constantly, yet we're all sleeping through it.

The Athens Messenger, our daily newspaper competition, wins third place in this category, tied with "fuzzy math" in the OU Catering Department. Somehow, magically, eight of our readers came out with that last answer, which really makes us wonder what our readers have been smoking.

Other issues that the local media have snored through include The Post, heroin epidemic in Athens County (which, again, has been reported repeatedly), OU's poor use of funding, small business breakdown, mountaintop removal (which doesn't occur in or near Athens, or in southeast Ohio for that matter), and a smattering of other stories.

Best Local Media Person

Bob Beyette and Terry Smith

Given that we laptop-toting wage monkeys at The Athens NEWS enjoy a kind of built-in advantage in this category "“ it's our contest, after all, with our readers doing the voting "“ it speaks volumes for the talents of Bob Beyette, supreme news dude of WATH/WXTQ radio, that he tied for first place in this category. That sexy voice of his probably didn't hurt.

And remember "“ if you see news happening, call us at The NEWS and report it. We'll make sure Bob gets the message.

Locked in mortal combat with Beyette high atop our rankings, like Godzilla grappling with Mecha-Godzilla, is a man we like to think of as a kind of living amalgam of I.F. Stone, Walter Cronkite, Ben Hecht, Edward R. Murrow, Woodward and Bernstein, Seymour Hersh, Papa Smurf, and legendary character actor Franklin Pangborn. That's right "“ it's our own Athens NEWS Editor Terry Smith. He's not mad at Beyette at all; he really isn't.

Second place goes to Chris Riddle, an announcer at WOUB public radio. Third place goes to Jim Phillips, who we figure is either that freak The NEWS hired as associate editor out of pity for his family, or a guy who does really cool skateboard art.

Most Annoying Local Controversy

Susan Gwinn

There may be something a little disingenuous about this "most annoying local controversy" concept. Sure, you people like to bitch and moan about whatever big scandal is keeping the ink factories in business this week "“ "God, I'm so sick of reading about (insert controversy here)." But you keep right on reading and gossiping about it, don't you? We thought as much.

Surprising no one, former Athens County Democratic Party Chair Susan Gwinn took the "honors" this year, presumably for her lengthy courtroom drama over campaign-related criminal charges, and her resignation after being convicted of two misdemeanors. She's undoubtedly pulling her law diploma off her office wall as we speak, to make room for the attractively framed certificate she'll be receiving in recognition of her win.

Second most annoying local controversy "“ as opposed to the "best" local controversy, a different category entirely "“ is the "retirement community," according to our readers. This probably refers to an ongoing attempt to get a retirement community built in Athens, in which one plan using Ohio University land fell through in the face of local opposition, and now another such project out on Columbus Road.

Third place goes to the village of Chauncey (last year's winner), whose name is actually an Adena Indian word that means "maddening, endless, juvenile pissing match." We won't even try to guess which specific annoying controversy from Chauncey was intended here.

Best Local Controversy or Scandal

Gwinn Situation

Former longtime Athens County Democratic Party chair Susan Gwinn's recent trial and subsequent tribulations have taken the gold as the best local controversy or scandal.

The Gwinn situation also won for most annoying controversy or scandal. We are beginning to rethink our synonyms here at The NEWS. If "best" can also mean "most annoying," then "worst" must also mean "most pleasing." We'll do our worst to figure this one out.

Second best scandal goes to OU President Roderick McDavis' salary. We'll suppose that the scandalous part about this is that he is ostensibly overpaid. Either that, or his salary was caught in a compromising position in a sleazebag hourly-rate motel somewhere.

Third place goes to an OU College Democrat plan for a $5 bounty for each voter escorted to polling places. This ties back into Gwinn, who was charged with low-level felonies for the plan, although the charges were later dropped. When it comes to these things, Gwinn's the best around. Or perhaps she's the worst. We really can't figure it out anymore.

Best Evidence that Athens County Is Moving Forward

Nelsonville Bypass

Athens County is not only moving forward, it's moving northwest by southeast, and readers agree that the best evidence of this is the decision to use stimulus monies to complete the Rt. 33 Nelsonville bypass. This project has been 50 years in the making and can now actually see completion on the horizon. Of course, completion will help travelers get through Athens County more quickly, but it's the thought that counts.

Second place goes to Ohio University's steady enrollment. OU actually grew to record heights this past year, surpassing 21,000 students on the Athens campus. So increased enrollment keeps the county rollin', rollin', rollin'. Rawhide!

Diagnostic Hybrids comes in third as best evidence that the county is moving forward. Perhaps this is because of the recent multi-million dollar sale that the CEO says will benefit the company enormously. We diagnose this hybrid as a success!

Best Store Athens Needs

Target

OK, OK, already. We admit it "“ Athens will never be complete, never realize its sacred destiny, until it finally obtains a Target store.

This is what our readers told us last year, and this year it is what they have told us, overwhelmingly, once again. Tar-get, Tar-get, Tar-get, they chant. Oh bring us a figgy Target, and bring it right here. We won't go until we get one. But is anyone at Target corporate headquarters paying the slightest attention? As if.

Second best-needed store, sayeth vox newsuli, is Kohl's, which got an honorable mention last year and is movin' on up like the Jeffersons.

Third place goes to Old Navy, which likewise won third place last year.

Other heavy vote-getters include BellaVino, (which is already here, but presumably much needed nonetheless), Best Buy (second place last year, and slipping downward like the American middle class), and Trader Joe's, a 2009 honorable mention.

NIGHTLIFE

Best Live Music Venue

Casa Cantina

Casa Cantina wins this category again this year, though it had stiff competition from second place The Union and third place Jackie O's Public House.

Whoever won, however, Athens should give itself a big slap on the back for having so many great places to see live music. The sound is usually good, the hired help friendly, and other than bands' not playing till way late at night, there's not much negative you can say about the going-out-to-see-a-band options in uptown Athens.

Other local venues that performed respectably include Donkey Coffee, Red Brick Tavern, the Maplewood Inn and the Smiling Skull Saloon.

Best Happy Hour

Tony's Tavern

In this life, we get happy moments. Sometime's we'll be on the winning end of a happy minute. But the best place for a whole happy hour is at Tony's Tavern.

This category has gone to Tony's a plethora of times over the years, leading us to the unmistakable conclusion that it truly is the best place to spend that "lost" hour in Athens County.

Second place this year goes to Casa Cantina and third place goes to The Union. Honorable mentions go to Red Brick, Jackie O's, Pawpurr's and The Maplewood Inn.

Best Bar for People Over 30

Tony's Tavern

Tony's Tavern wins again this year as best bar for the 30-plus crowd. When those twenty-somethings start overcrowding all the other joints in town, those older folks can go for a pint at Tony's where they can reminisce about the good old days of yesteryear.

Next best place to go is just across the street at Casa Cantina, where 30 is the new 20, but they still serve ya booze because, well, if you're over 30, you're plenty old enough, no matter what the new new is.

Third place in this category is split between the Maplewood Inn and the Smiling Skull. Honorable mentions go to Jackie O's, the Lakeview Tavern, Red Brick and Broney's.

Best Place to Meet Women

Casa Cantina

OK, so you've read and committed to memory "How to Pick Up Women," doused yourself with a shot of Old Spice, taken your monthly shower, and trimmed those bristling nose hairs. You're a wild man on the loose, a primate on the prowl.

So where's the best place locally to hunt up some evening companions of the female persuasion? Casa Cantina, say our babe-stalking readers. The Casa won last year as well. It's like that Tennyson poem "“ "A Dream of Fair Women." Or maybe it's "Charge of the Light Brigade." We always get those two mixed up.

The title of second most powerful chick magnet in the county is a three-way tie (note how we manfully resist the obvious ménage a trois joke), between Jackie O's, the Red Brick Tavern and Tony's.

Honorable mention goes to the Union. Give us a union maid every time "“ unafraid of goons, ginks and company finks.

Best Bartender

Diedrich Bonner

In Athens, bartenders make the world go 'round. Or at least they make the round go 'round, which may be just as important. Diedrich Bonner at the Red Brick Sports Pub & Grill wins as 2010's best bartender. As Bonner likes to ask, who says that beer won't make you smarter? It made Bud wiser!

Second best bartender ready to make that nipple buttery is A.J. at The Union, while third place this year goes to Tony at Tony's Tavern. Tony likes to tell the story about the grasshopper who walked in one day. Tony told him they have a shot named after him. The grasshopper replied, "You have a shot named Steve?"

Now that we've had our fill of lame bar-related jokes, here's a list of honorable mentions: Pat Brown at Tony's, Allison Geiger at Jackie O's, Colin Glover at Tony's and Adam at The Maplewood.

Best Open Stage

Donkey Coffee and Espresso

Do you have deep, complex emotions, a six-string wooden guitar, and a rhyming dictionary? Then chances are, sometime soon you'll be in the market for an open stage, where you can strum your acoustic "axe" (that's musician talk for "guitar") and warble your Nick Drake-like musical ruminations for a roomful of people who are trying to hold loud conversations and order drinks. Be sure to bring a lot of your friends to clap. And always remember "“ the open E minor chord is the gloomy songwriter's best friend.

But which is the best open stage in town? Well, our readers say it's to be found at Donkey Coffee and Espresso, which takes first place after coming in second the last two years. It's a nice, subdued room where people will actually listen to you perform "“ if they're not studying for finals.

Second place goes to Casa Cantina, which took first place last year. Third goes to Jackie O's.

OU's Front Room, the Union, and the Smiling Skull Saloon all did well in this category as well.

Best Local Band or Performer

The Royales

Pulling off a remarkable six-peat (hey, if a sportscaster said it, you'd think it was a real word), the Royales once again rock their way relentlessly to the top of the BOA charts with a bullet as Athens Best Local Band or Performer. Go, cats, go.

Coming in second was Skeletonwitch, that scorched-earth local metal band that's making big waves in the wider musical world with its latest album, "Breathing the Fire."

Another local act that's flirting with music-biz stardom is Southeast Engine, a tuneful folk-country-indie-rock outfit whose latest, "From the Forest to the Sea," is on Misra Records.

Honorable mentions go to Mudfork Blues, Jared Sheets, Moonville, Duke Junior & the Smoky Boots, and Stella.

Best Bar Pickup Line

"Can I buy you a drink?"

This is one of those annoying categories where the best answers never win, since common answers, the ones likely to get multiple votes, are seldom if ever the most interesting ones. That's the case with this year's winner, "Can I buy you a drink?" and it's close grammatically correct relative, "May I buy you a drink?" This was the same answer as last year, and probably every year since we started doing this contest.

Second place goes to the trusty standby "Come here often?" "Nice shoes" brings up the third-place caboose.

Other mind-numbingly clichéd pickup lines chosen by our readers include:

" "Hi, I'm (insert name). Do you have a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them?" (Miraculously, four people came up with this same pickup line.)

" "Nice pants! Want to ****."

" "Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see." (Barf.)

" "How much does a polar bear weigh?" "I don't know, how much?" "Enough to break the ice. Nice to meet you!" (Nausea.)

" "You're pretty as a picture. Can I mount you?"

" "Hey, lady, does this washcloth smell like chloroform?" (Repulsion.)

" Do you have any raisins? No? (!!!)

Best Place to Dance

Casa Cantina

Casa Cantina is reeling in its Best of Athens honors again this year, and like with numerous other categories, had an easy time taking Best Place to Dance. It boogied all over the second-place finisher, Jackie O's Public House. The Red Brick Tavern ("when they have a DJ") takes third place (and while we're on the subject, Red Brick, please let us know when you have music so we can include it in our weekly entertainment calendar? We're right upstairs for crying out loud).

Other great dancing spots include the Maplewood, 19 South (which no longer exists), Dance or Die! (naughty naughty Facebook site), Broney's, "shower," Court Street, "home," PawPurr's, The Pub, Albany VFW (I'll vouch for that), Courtside, the Junction, etc.

Best Place to Meet Men

Casa Cantina

Men here! Getchur men here! All kinds, and nothing but the best! Tall men, short men, wide men, thin men. It's like a veritable Manutopia at Casa Cantina, this year's choice as best place to meet men.

The Y chromosome carriers at Casa clearly have a third leg up on the competition.

Second best place to meet the hairier of the sexes is a tie between The Union and Tony's Tavern. The dudes at these places are certainly duderiffic. Third place is also a tie, this time between Jackie O's and Red Brick. When it's man you want, it's man you'll get at these fine man-friendly establishments.

Honorable mentions go out to Cat's Eye, church, and The Union's dance or die.

FOR STUDENTS ONLY

Best Ohio University class

History of Rock

It's beyond us why our student readers keep voting the "History of Rock" class (Music 124) as the best one at OU. Geology is interesting and all, but studying the past history of rocks doesn't seem like a very exciting way to spend 10 weeks. Oh wait a minute. I just looked it up in the OU Course Offerings Web site, and it's actually the "History of Rock Music." It all makes sense now.

Well, whatever it is, the History of Rock wins this category every year. OU should probably think about adding a dozen more sections of this course.

Second place is Bowling, and third is Plants & People (PBIO 103). The latter course, according to the Course Offerings Web site, is taught by Art Trese and Morgan Vis-Chiasson this quarter.

But let's back up a bit. Bowling? Well, now that you mention it, I just racked up a 215 in Wii bowling at home on Saturday. I'm glad you asked.

Best Student Organization

OU College Democrats

Despite a political scandal last fall that generated statewide headlines, the OU College Democrats managed to take first place as Ohio University's Best Student Organization. To be fair, the scandal involving the offer of a $5-per-head bounty for each voter College Dems brought to the polls was really not the College Democrats' fault, and nobody ended up getting paid the five bucks. On the positive side of the ledger, the scandal made fall quarter a lot more interesting than it might have been otherwise.

Second place goes to All Campus Radio Network. Students involved in ACRN have a lot of fun, and seem to hold raucous uptown fundraisers at least once a quarter.

Third place goes to those wacky number jockeys who belong to the OU Council of Teachers of Mathematics. They must hold some wild and crazy meetings.

Other groups that got multiple votes include Campus LGBT, POWER and Students for a Democratic Society.

Best OU Administrator

Kent Smith

This is the guy who oversees Baker Center, Career Services, Residence Life and University Events along with several other departments and many programs, including University Program Council, the Kennedy Lecture Series and the Performing Arts Series. This is the hard-working Kent Smith, Ohio University's vice president for student affairs and 2010's best OU administrator.

Following Smith in the category is OU President Roderick McDavis. This guy administers like he was administering the last administration in the history of administrating. Coming in third is the university's brand-spankin'-new Executive Vice President and Provost Pam Benoit. (We preferred the old days when the provost was just called the provost, just like we prefer Memorial Auditorium to the 143-word monicker that some smart stuff came up with about a decade or so ago.) Anyway, Benoit has been making a splash around campus and provosting the heck out of OU.

Best Student Neighborhood

West End

As Fred Rogers famously asked, "Won't you be my neighbor?" Well, the folks over on the west side of town are certainly happy with their neighbors. The West End wins this year as best student neighborhood. Those on the west side are a close-knit group, and when it comes to rep'in' the 'hood, these folks set the bar at a whole new level. (Just as a bit of trivial, Athens' west side used to be known as the "red ward," a reference to its reputation as a hideout for proud and vocal left-wingers. Some people also knew it as the "chicken ward," a reference to the great fried-chicken outlet smack in the middle of the neighborhood.)

Palmer Street comes in as the second-best student neighborhood, riots be damned. Mill Street is 2010's third-best student neighborhood around. (And depending on how you define a neighborhood, Mill and Palmer streets can actually be considered the same neighborhood. I mean if you can consider the whole west side of town, with dozens of streets, as one neighborhood, certainly you can consider two short perpendicular streets on the near east side as a single neighborhood.)

Best Evidence OU Is Not a Party School

There is none

We are the clever dicks, aren't we? If we asked for evidence that Ohio University IS a "party school," we would seem to be promoting that seedy reputation, which would make OU's stern yet benevolent administrators feel peevish toward us. So, in a brilliant sleight-of-hand, we ask instead for the best evidence that OU is NOT a party school. It's just crazy enough to work.

Yeah, right. Once again, our student readers insist that, after looking under every rock and behind every tree for evidence that OU is not Beer Bash Central, they find none. Every book in every backpack, every test tube in every chem lab, every brick in every 19th Century building, cries out "party down!"

Second best piece of evidence for the defense is Alden Library, one of the greatest places in Athens County, in our humble bibliophilic opinion.

Third place goes to "nationally competitive awards won," which refers to the fact that OU students and faculty have indeed won quite a few of these, a fact of which OU is justly proud. Let's throw a party to celebrate!

Best Excuse for Skipping Class

Hungover

Oh, this is real nice "“ asking our student readers to come up with the Best Excuse for Skipping Class. Maybe next year we should ask them for the Best Way to Get Away With Plagiarism, or the Funniest Greek Hazing Ritual.

What makes this category even more wonderful is the fact that we get the same answer year after year after year: some variant of hangover. This works every time. "Sorry, professor "“ I'd really like to come to class, but my eyes won't focus and I can't stop retching."

Next best excuse "“ just on the remote chance that your mean old prof doesn't accept alcohol withdrawal as an excused absence "“ is H1N1. (This actually is a good excuse, because if the professor thinks you're likely to infect him, he won't want you to show up.)

Next comes "snow," which we guess is legit for commuter students, but less plausible if you live on campus.

Best Graffiti in Bathrooms

Ellis Hall

As we have noted repeatedly in the past, it only makes sense that English majors would compose lyrical, perceptive, apothegmatic graffiti. So it's no surprise to see Ohio University's Ellis Hall once again take first place in this category. No bawdy doggerel here; no, it's all projective verse from the Charles Olson school, with the occasional foray into tricky traditional forms like the villanelle or rondeau.

No English department would be complete, however, without at least one critical sub-faction. So we figure our second-place finisher, the Ellis 1st-floor women's restroom, probably represents the graffiti work of a splinter group of feminist critics. Plus you'd expect to get quality graffiti in a women's room, because of how long women take in there. They have time to do a lot of re-writing and editing.

Our third place finisher, the Union bar, represents a Bukowski-like rejection of the groves of academe, in favor of the gritty realities of life on the street. We sense a doctoral thesis coming on.

Best Reason to Transfer Somewhere Else

Weather

While Ohio University sends recruiters to the round earth's four imagined corners, seeking to lure new students here to enroll, we sit in Athens asking already enrolled students to think up the best reason they can find to drop out of OU and go elsewhere. We're funny that way.

The winning answer "“ which took second place last year "“ was "weather." Yes, we understand "“ this whole climate-change scare has got everyone so on-edge, it's hard to concentrate on your studies. But all that global warming data was faked, right?

Next best reason to take a powder from OU is "“ get this "“ "warm weather." Come again? It's too warm here? Well, go to hell. We hear it's real warm there. Or maybe this means "warm weather somewhere else." Gee, figuring out the answers to this contest is fascinating, ain't it?

Reason to decamp number three is "tuition." The voters who picked this answer probably think OU's tuition is too high. Or maybe it means they don't like being taught things.

Hottest Professor

Adam Moyer

When it comes to hot, Ohio University College of Business' Adam Moyer is like a jalapeno sprinkled with red pepper, covered with Frank's Red Hot, rolled in chili pepper and dipped into a cheesy habanero salsa. This guy makes Justin Timberlake look like Lyle Lovett.

Second place for smokin' educator is a tie between the Environmental and Plant Biology Department's Brian McCarthy and the Scripps School of Journalism's Michelle Honald.

Third place is a three-way (get your mind out of the gutter) tie. The bronze honors are split between Plant Biology's Art Trese, the English Department's Beth Quitslund and Geography's Geoff Buckley.

Lest any of these folks be embarrassed by this potentially dubious honor, in the past our readers have tended to apply a broad definition to the term "hot," so that it encompasses more than just outward appearance or carriage. Whatever the case, we can't remember it ever having a negative connotation.

Best Party House

My House

Yes, the best house for a party is "my house," though we should all acknowledge that this answer is virtually meaningless in a collective sense, since it's impossible to know to whom "my" refers. Do you mean my house? I hope not, and anyway you're not invited.

Second place goes to "Mound Eisley," which makes no sense either.

15 Mill St. takes third-place honors, and we're happy to say that answer does make sense. We'll be right over with a case of Steel Reserve.

Oh, wait a minute. 15 Mill does place third, but that address is tied with five others. They include, rendered here just as they were on the survey forms, Adam Moyer, Brown Town, Bruce Manor, "Kory, Evan, Kari and Matt's house on Franklin," and the Stagger Inn.

Best Place for a Random Hookup (not your bed)

Library

We're assuming our student readers mean Ohio University's Alden Library, though it's possible they could mean the local public library, or a dorm library, or their iTunes library, or an exotic plant out in the woods called the Lie Berry. But we'll just figure they mean Alden.

We're actually considering changing the name of this category to Best Person for a Random Hookup. This makes more sense as a category, since the most important factor involved in random hookups isn't where they happen but whom they happen with.

Second-place honors go to "Maplewood," which we think probably means the Maplewood Inn. This is a puzzle, however, since as far as we know, not many OU students frequent the Maplewood, which is on the east side of Athens and has more of a permanent resident (the T-word) clientele. Oh, whatever.

Third place goes to The Union, which makes more sense as an answer since it's uptown and does attract both students and townspeople.