Dating a cheater means getting cheated on

Dear Harlan: I'm a freshman at college this year and I recently got involved with a guy who also is a freshman. We have a lot in common, we get along great, and I think I've fallen in love with him. The only problem is that he has a girlfriend back home, whom he claims to be "madly in love" with. He's cheating on her with me. I feel really guilty about it, and I feel bad that he's hurting her, but I don't think I can give him up at this point. I'm not sure what to do. Should I ask him about it? Or tell her via Facebook? (I don't really know her in person.) Or something else? - M

Dear M: You're cheating yourself out of a respectful and healthy relationship. There are thousands of men who will date you and not cheat on you. And yes, this is cheating on you, too. The only difference is that you know he's cheating. If you lived in a world of thousands of options, would you put up with this? NEVER. You do have options. And he has options too "“ either he breaks up with her or he breaks up with you. It's that simple. As for contacting his girlfriend "“ that's not your place. Plus, it's not going to be an issue because you won't be dating him if he continues dating her. If this is all too much to handle, make an appointment with a therapist in the counseling office. Oh, and what he's doing to his girlfriend, he can do to you in a few years. You're looking at your future unless he can right his wrong and make some better choices. Sorry to be so short and direct "“ but the situation is pretty clear to me.
And here's a follow-up note from this reader after receiving this advice:

Harlan: Thank you for the advice. I never really thought about it like that, the fact that he's cheating on me, too. - M

Dear M: Most people don't think about it. But once you start dating a cheater, he's cheating on you, too. And you, you're just cheating yourself out of something better.

Dear Harlan: How do you convince your boyfriend's parents that you are not having sex? We really aren't having sex, but they seem to think we're sexually active. It's rather annoying for them to think something that's not happening is happening. - Not Having Sex

Dear Not Having Sex: Maybe they think that their assuming you are having sex will keep you from having sex. You know, parents are told that kids will do the opposite of what they're told to do. Your boyfriend might have very clever parents. Barring medical evidence of your virginity (if you are a virgin), there's not much you can do to change their minds. On the other hand, your boyfriend might ask them why they think he's sexually active. He shouldn't get mad or defensive. He should ask why they think this is happening. You'd be surprised how many parents are uncomfortable talking about sex with their kids. If your boyfriend makes it comfortable for his parents to talk about uncomfortable things like sex, they can have a better understanding of the relationship. Yes, it's a parent's job to have an honest conversation about sex, but some parents honestly need help when it comes to sex talks. Once they talk about it, they'll know.

(c) Harlan Cohen 2009. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.

Harlan is the author of "Dad's Pregnant Too" (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.