Ex-girlfriend wants to keep his friends, but lose the dude

Dear Harlan: How do you completely cut off from an ex-boyfriend when you have made friends with his friends? I dated this guy for more than a year. - Cutting Off

Dear Cutting Off: Find new friends, or get used to him being your ex-boyfriend. If you don't want to get new friends, you make it a rule to NOT talk about him with your friends. Talking to them means pulling these mutual friends into the relationship and forcing them to pick sides. I don't know who broke up with whom or what happened that led to the break up, but you can ask your ex to follow the same rules. If he doesn't respect you or he can't handle being in the same room with you, then avoid hanging out in big groups together. No, none of this is fair or easy, but this is the ugly part of breaking up. The friends you have can still be your friends, but for now, you just can't be in the same room as your ex.

Dear Harlan: I'm in love with the perfect guy. We are so much in love that when I grow up a little bit more, he'd be a great one to marry. I know that sounds like a big statement at the age of 19, but this feels so real, easy and true. We love each other just like we breathe "“ we don't even need to think about it. Sound happy? It would be if he were here. I met him last year when I was a freshman and he was a senior with two more months to go. Graduation came and went and we were stronger than ever. Now I'm back in Boston with three more years of college to go, and he's out in the real world. We are wary of doing an official long-distance relationship with all the strings attached. For now we're supposed to put the other one on a shelf, keep in touch and we'll get back together when we can. It's not fate that will bring us back. We decide our future. Should I do the distance, go through the pain of separation, and forgo the "normal" college experience where a big part of my energy and heart are devoted to someone who's not there? Should I not worry about how young I am and how I should probably date a few more people before I can honestly say "he's the one"? Or should I let him go and think about him all the time, even when I am with other people. I'm afraid to lose him either way. - Sad and Stressed

Dear Sad and Stressed: I'd follow your own advice and grow up a little bit. If the relationship was perfect and as easy as breathing, you wouldn't be holding your breath. You'd commit. He'd commit. Relationships don't have to be this hard. The timing is off and you're both in different places in life. In a few years, you'll both have a better sense of who you are and what you want. And really, given just how all consuming this sounds, I can't imagine you would have much of a life outside of this relationship. In a way, this is the best thing that could have happened. Be grateful you've experienced this, have new experiences, breathe deep and in a few years, see if he still takes your breath away.

(c) Harlan Cohen 2009. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.

Harlan is the author of "Dad's Pregnant Too" (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.