Family, friends of domestic violence victims urged to learn about the issue

You can see your loved one is in trouble.

Maybe you witnessed your friend's partner verbally, emotionally or physically abusing her. It could be that your friend has come to you in confidence to talk about her abusive relationship. Or maybe you only suspect abuse while your friend has distanced herself from her loved ones, including family and friends.

My Sister's Place, the domestic-violence shelter in Athens, has important advice to give family and friends of battered men and women: Become educated about domestic violence, know the warning signs, and reach out to someone who can help.

While most people would think reporting an incident will save their friend from his or her abusive relationship, My Sister's Place Executive Director Kate McGuckin said it depends on the situation.

"I think when you truly understand domestic violence, you understand why some women cannot leave... (This is) because due to the timing and due to what's going on in their life, that would be a death sentence for themselves, their children, their pets," she said. "I know leaving is the most dangerous time for victims. That's when they're most apt to be abused or injured or killed."

However, she recommended that friends and family of victims should contact law enforcement if they hear or witness a violent episode.

There are many ways a person can empower his or her loved ones.

Along with knowing about local resources, My Sister's Place suggests that battered women should have a safety plan that should include how the victim will respond to the violence and what she will do if violence occurs.

"Each victim has to have a unique set of circumstances, so everybody's safety plan is not the same," McGuckin said.

She noted the victim knows when it is a safe time to leave. "We have to defer to her expertise on that," she said.
Along with becoming educated about local resources, friends and family of victims should recognize any positive changes their loved one is making.

"If we tell them what to do, then we're doing exactly the same thing as the batterer is doing," McGuckin said. "Recognize any effort she may make to improve her situation and give her positive feedback... If you don't have somebody on the sidelines going, 'Yay! Good job!', it's harder."

One thing family and friends of victims should never do, McGuckin said, is criticize the batterer.

"That's like Mistake 101. If you start badmouthing her partner, she's not going to want to be your friend anymore," McGuckin said. "That just plays right into his hand of saying, 'Your family doesn't care about you. Your family is just trying to break us up. Your family is trying to control you.' That makes (the victim's) family look bad or (her) friends look bad."

McGuckin said another step is to avoid being judgmental.

"I think initially we tend to be very judgmental, and we get angry. We get frustrated," she said. "And it's dangerous, too. We don't want to see our friend get killed. Try to let them know that you're concerned without blaming them or lecturing. Maybe take it from a (standpoint) of information is power."

There are many resources for victims of domestic violence in Athens County, including Ohio University's Hudson Health Center, Wellness Center and Women's Center; My Sister's Place; and hotlines, counseling centers and support groups.

For women in OU dormitories, resident assistants and resident directors are trained to help victims of family violence.

McGuckin also suggested victims can keep a log or journal of their experiences.

"That way she can maybe get some retrospect on it, see if there's a pattern," she said.

Domestic violence is an issue of power and control, McGuckin said, and it usually involves a cycle of violence.

My Sister's Place was incorporated in 1977 as a grass-roots response by concerned citizens in the Athens County area.

It was established during a time of resurgence of feminism, McGuckin recalled.