Help Me, Harlan!
Sober doesn’t have to be scary if we can handle taking risks
By Harlan Cohen
May 27, 2008
Dear Harlan: This is regarding the recent letter about the college freshman and his shy girlfriend who likes to get drunk occasionally. She has discovered that alcohol frees her from her prison of shyness and that it allows her to associate more openly with others. It’s called “self-medication.” Like many other forms of self-medication, it may lead to more serious consequences. Perhaps a better solution might be counseling. Perhaps then she could feel more free and open with people every day – not just when she gets drunk. Best of all, since they are both college students, such services might be available through their student health services at no cost. Colleges are recognizing that student drinking is a serious problem and are attuned to help. — Curbing Teen Drinking
Dear Curbing Drinking: Given this criteria, anyone in a bar who gets drunk once in a while would need counseling. I’m not discounting the suggestion or minimizing the seriousness – it’s just that there’s a bigger issue here than students drinking. What could help is if we made it a prerequisite that in order to get a high-school diploma, we had to complete a course in risk-taking. One major reason so many students drink is that drinking numbs the pain that comes with taking risks. We’re great at taking risks that go as planned – but it’s the ones that don’t go as planned that end with a keg and a cup. We as a society are not good at facing adversity – namely, rejection. We are never taught about The Universal Rejection Truth and that rejection is an unavoidable part of taking risks. All we learn is that rejection is painful, humiliating and something we should avoid. If we spent more time practicing how to overcome the unavoidable adversity that comes with becoming an adult (namely facing rejection) we wouldn’t need to drink so much. Sobriety isn’t so scary when we can handle the outcomes.
Dear Harlan: What terrible advice you gave to “Curious,” the woman who wanted to contact the family of her husband’s long-absent father. “The only thing of value” you can see in discovering her husband’s family history is... a “health history”? You write as though these children are prized cattle – not bright, curious little humans. Is your view of the world so shallow that you place no value whatsoever on knowledge of one’s intangible heritage – such as oral history, traditions and personal relationships? Once such priceless knowledge and experiences are lost, they cannot be replaced. Are these things really so worthless to you? Why should these children, who may once day value such information, be robbed of the possibility of having a full understanding of their past? And do you not think that these children may not resent the parents who denied them a chance to meet one of their only living ancestors? Do think about it. — Appalled
Dear Appalled: I do love a rich family history filled with tradition. It’s the family tradition that plays out like a Greek tragedy that I’d want to avoid hearing. When the son involved doesn’t want to know about his long-absent father’s life, and his mom isn’t offering information, I’m not one to encourage the daughter-in-law to press on. To me, this says, “You’re better off not knowing.” Finding out your grandfather was a criminal, an abuser, a drug dealer or something unsavory isn’t something a grandchild needs to know. At a minimum, a health history will give people valuable info when accessing risk and taking preventative measures to ensure a long and healthy life. (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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