Help Me, Harlan!
Older teacher needs help connecting with her 20-something colleagues
By Harlan Cohen
March 31, 2008
Dear Harlan: I am a 59-year-old schoolteacher. I have always believed myself to be non-ageist. I have friends among generations both older and younger than I. In recent years, however, I have begun to feel ignored by the current crop of 20-somethings. Both on the job and in public, this group seems to look right through me — ignore me, not be interested in hearing from me. I try hard to connect with them in nonthreatening, nonjudgmental ways. On the job, especially, I feel they are my equals and endeavor to treat them as such, just as I have done with past groups of new employees. Still, they don’t maintain eye contact with me and often give me one-word answers when I attempt to converse with them. I don’t want to become an elder who is embittered, cynical and critical of younger people, yet I am saddened and often hurt by the way people currently in their 20s dismiss me. What do you advise? — Invisible Lady
Dear Invisible: Start with a Facebook friendship, and go from there (and I’m totally serious). The 20somethings you’re coming in contact with might love you, but might not be good at expressing it face to face. They aren’t the most comfortable when it comes to intimidating new situations. Whether you want to believe it or not, your age and experience make you intimidating. Let them see that you are approachable, interesting and interested in getting to know them over time. Ask for their help with something that isn’t your strongest skill set (something online is a great way to engage them). Allow them to communicate inside their comfort zone. You need to be the one to engage them over time. And that means getting comfortable with the idea that it will take time for them to get to know you — as wonderful and easygoing as you might be. The biggest mistake would be to take this personally. Once you connect with one, the rest will follow — it’s viral.
Dear Harlan: Please help me and my husband end this debate once and for all. My husband has six older sisters who worship him. Whenever we go to one of their houses for one of their children’s birthday parties, first holy communion, graduation, you name it, when it comes time to take pictures, they only take my husband’s picture with their child. They never include me. I think they should say, “OK, it’s time to take a picture with your aunt and uncle,” but instead they say, “OK, I want a picture of you and your uncle.” We’ve been married for 16 years and have no children, so my nieces and nephews are important to me; unfortunately, my picture is not important to my sisters-in-law, and this really hurts my feelings. I think my husband should grab me and include me in the pictures. What do you think? — Not in the Picture
Dear Not in the Picture: After 16 years of you standing on the sideline, your family might think you don’t like being in pictures. Someone who wanted to be in the shot would run into it or ask for a particular picture to be taken. I do it all the time. I’m so annoying, but I get the pictures I want. If your family wants a picture with your husband (now it’s a tradition), have them take two photos - one with you and one with him. Grab his arm and say, “Cheese.” (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College.” Write him at harlan at helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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