Help Me, Harlan!
Boyfriend, new father bottles up emotions, won"t let them out
By Harlan Cohen
March 10, 2008
Dear Harlan: My boyfriend and I have been together for going on six years, and we have a 2-year-old together. Lately, he has been shutting me out completely, and I get the feeling he does not want to be with me anymore. When the subject comes up for both of us to move on elsewhere, he acts as if he doesn’t care, but when it comes down to it, he doesn’t want me to go. I want to know that he does still care and that he does love me. How do I get that out of him if he is not willing to tell me? — Not Hearing Me
Dear Not Hearing Me: I don’t know what he’s not telling you or why he’s not telling you, but here’s what I can tell you: When you have a baby, your relationship as a couple will change. Being a couple takes more effort. Going out, being spontaneous and spending time together as JUST a couple takes planning and deliberate effort
Between you being a mom, him being a dad and you both being caregivers, the “couple” part can starve if not well nourished. Two years later, you can be disconnected. I’d run to couples counseling. The cost of a few sessions is nothing in comparison to the cost of ending this relationship. No matter what happens, you’ll always have a relationship with this man. Try and get him in a safe place where a professional can help you two have a better chance of talking and understanding each other. There’s always the possibility that he might not be able to tell you what he’s feeling because he’s not even sure. Give him the chance to work through it – get some help as soon as possible.
Dear Harlan: I’ve gotten myself into the same situation, dating wise, three different times with three different guys. Here’s what happens: I like a guy and he likes me, but apparently he likes or loves someone else. I don’t know this at first, and he assures me that we will have a long relationship... that is, until he breaks up with me. He tells me it’s “not fair” to me if his “heart isn’t really in it” or something like that. This usually leads to me trying to be friends with him for a while, resenting him and whomever he is with and then finally ignoring and avoiding him and her altogether. The first time it happened, I figured it was a fluke. The second time, I felt like an idiot who should have seen it coming. The third time, well, I figured that there is something wrong with me. Any ideas? — Very, VERY Confused
Dear Very, VERY Confused: The only thing wrong might be that you’re a trusting person – and that’s not something you want to change. Instead, change something else. Change not taking someone’s word for it. For example, whatever happens after a guy tells you it will be a “long relationship,” change it (maybe slow down physically). Give him time not only to say it, but also to show it. His actions over time will tell you if you can trust him. Also, find out about his past relationships. How things worked in the past can give you an idea of how he’ll operate in the future. Give it time, and see if things change.
As a rule, slow is always safer. There are trustworthy guys out there. They are just going to need to work a little harder to get your heart. (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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