Help Me, Harlan!
Friend on dark path needs help before he gets dangerous
By Harlan Cohen
March 3, 2008
Dear Harlan: There is a guy I have known for about five years. He’s liked me off and on, and we had a thing at one point. I broke it off, and we’ve proceeded to be good friends. The problem – he has really low self-confidence and is always looking to me to boost it. At least once a month, he tells me that he has no friends (which isn’t true) and that nobody cares for him. I’ve tried telling him that not everyone our age (18) is in a relationship, but I can’t get the point across. He gets mad at me regularly for not hanging out with him as much as he thinks I should, and insists that I end my conversations with “love you” even though I’ve told him that I don’t end conversations that way with friends. I’m not worried about violence, but I want him to be happy. I want him to stop unloading all of his issues on me. I’m losing my patience. — Running Out of Patience
Dear Running Out of Patience: When you say you’re not worried about violence, that means a part of you is worried about violence. I’m not trying to scare you, but he sounds terribly depressed and on a path that can lead to isolation, resentment and anger. As a friend, you can tell him that you’re worried about him, and that he needs some help, because doing nothing isn’t going to make things better. I would then talk to his parents, a teacher you trust, the principal and anyone else at school who can help. By enlisting support, you can get him on a better path. Listening to him complain and having him grab you on his way down is not helping him or you.
Dear Harlan: I have a huge crush on one of my professors. He’s young, moderately attractive and very intelligent. However, I’m just concerned that my crush is rooted in deeper issues. In high school, I dated one guy who was two years older than I, but he was so immature that I couldn’t stand him. He flunked out of college and got drunk on the weekends; I broke up with him due to his irresponsibility. I also was emotionally abused by my father when I was growing up. My parents are divorced, and I still have issues with my dad. I’m afraid that I have issues trusting guys my own age to date. My professor has qualities that I’m looking for, but when I look around on campus, I don’t see those in any guys I’ve met. Would it be awkward if I began dating this certain professor within a year or two, or should I keep my eyes open for a mature, intelligent guy in my own age bracket? — He Blinded Me With Science
Dear Blinded With Science: Dating your moderately attractive professor isn’t going to fix your trust issues. What you need is someone in your age bracket with similar qualities as your professor that you can get to know and trust over time. Ask your professor what clubs and organizations he participated in back in college. Use his past experiences as a means to target a guy for your future. Then put yourself in the places where guys like him hang out. In the meantime, it’s worth exploring how this emotional abuse is affecting you. No matter whom you find, until you can trust your own instincts, you’ll never be able to trust anyone else, regardless of age or title. (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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