Help Me, Harlan!
Everybody has a side of their story, including the ‘rejector’
By Harlan Cohen
June 30, 2008
Dear Harlan: I had a great friend. One seemingly normal day, he took a risk. “We have a problem,” he said. “What?” I asked. He replied with, “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.” My first reaction, which fortunately I was able to keep to myself, was “Ew.” I loved his sense of humor, our conversations and hanging out with him. I just didn’t love him. He has completely different values, has let his personal appearance get away from him, and would spend the majority of his time listening to vinyl Black Sabbath records in his basement. I also strongly believe he is suffering from a major depressive disorder, and I have no desire to deal with a “project” instead of a relationship.
So I told him I really valued his friendship and was not looking for anything beyond that. I tried to act natural for a few weeks, but it just wasn’t happening. We got into a minor argument over something, and I used it as an opportunity to bail out of the friendship. Under the circumstances, I doubt it would have survived anyway. I don’t think he thought my rejection was an option, so to this day he is probably still in shock over it. He needed to pull himself together before he can pull someone else in. — The Rejector
Dear Rejector: First, a response to you and other rejectors:
I’m a fan of honest rejection. I’m also a supporter of sharing the circumstances behind the rejection when rejecting a friend (assuming there’s something that can be done about it). At least this way he can choose whether he wants to change. Knowing that he needs to pull himself together before he can pull someone else in and pointing him in the direction of professional care is a good thing.
Next, to him and all those taking risks:
Don’t let this discourage you. The mistake wasn’t taking a risk and telling this friend how he felt. The mistake was NOT giving this friend permission to reject him. Once you give a friend permission to NOT want you, it’s possible to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. And that’s how you can maintain a friendship while sharing your feelings.
Dear Harlan: I have read your column on and off for years, and I really appreciate your style. Your words have always inspired me and given me hope as well. I am well past my 20s — but I finally found the love of my life. She is more than I ever hoped for or dreamed. And we met through the course of a normal day. Anyhow — for the first time in my life, it feels like true love — we have a special, quiet connection. I just wanted to say thank you for putting a small seed of hope in my brain. Finally, the flowers are in full bloom. — Bursting
Dear Bursting: Your letter makes me think of a field of dandelions on a windy day (not the yellow ones, but the clear ones that fly through the air when you blow on them). A note like this spreads more seeds of hope across the country. Whatever it is each one of us is looking to find — it is out there. It just takes never stopping the search and weathering the storm along the way. On the other side of risk is reward, or rejection. It’s comforting to hear that you’ve been rewarded. Thanks for sharing this and spreading more hope. (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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