Help Me, Harlan!
Even adult children can’t please some parents, so stop trying
By Harlan Cohen
July 7, 2008
Dear Harlan: My mother died many years ago when I was in my late 20s. I am 65 now, and my father is 92. He lived with a woman for years and then married her in his late 70s. I was married several times, and live alone now. For the most part, he was never in my life, as we lived in different states. I have grown children, his grandchildren, who by God’s grace never got into drugs or trouble and all work hard. They used to call him to keep in touch, but he only wanted to talk about me in an unfavorable way — and so the kids stopped calling him. When I was 58, he even implied I might not be his. I was angry, and asked if he wanted a DNA test. Oh yeah, he paid $500 for nothing. He likes to throw up how he took me out of his will, because I wouldn’t talk to him! What he considers talking is having me listen to things about my mother or about what a failure I am. He never hears me out, but speaks over me. Still wanting him in my life, as he was the last of the family from my day, I have allowed myself nothing but tears and hurt feelings, and he doesn’t seem to care. I’m halfway across the country, and I wanted to see him one last time. I made all arrangements to fly down. And with the hint that I might be in Florida, he laid into me with both barrels — so nasty. I am so depressed. Any insight would be appreciated. — Very Depressed
Dear Very Depressed: When will you realize this is not about you? Maybe your dad never grieved the loss of your mom and you’re a living reminder that’s too painful for him. Maybe he’s too unhappy to see beyond his own imperfections so he takes it out on you. Maybe he’s suffering from an mental illness. I know, it would have been nice to hear this 40 years ago, but there is such a thing as a parent who can’t be pleased. Some are miserable, unhappy or suffering from mental illness. When a parent belittles a child for years and years, there’s something going on with that parent. Nope, not about you! Stop working to please him. It’s time to start pleasing yourself.
Dear Harlan: As a single mother of three boys (ages 8 to 18), I enjoy reading your column to see the issues younger people are facing. You responded to a girl, “Waiting,” whose boyfriend told her that she has issues and that she says mean things to him. While your response that he has had enough and wants respect was certainly logical, I just had an icky feeling while reading her letter. I was married for 16 years to a man that told me I had issues and that I often hurt his feelings, but that was his manipulation and control over me. Please consider that a relationship that has only one person needing to work on things is not a healthy relationship on either end. Just my thoughts from experience. — Jo
Hey Jo: Ah yes, I remember that letter. I trust your icky feeling — there’s the possibility this guy could have been creating unrealistic expectations and playing the guilt card. I should have mentioned that if changing for him means losing herself, she might be better off losing him and finding someone else. Thanks. (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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