Help Me, Harlan!
Controlling parents need to get a grip, or even better, loosen it
By Harlan Cohen
February 25, 2008
Dear Harlan: I am close to breaking. My family is pretty close, but my parents try to make us even closer. Trying to pull me in closer is driving me further away. They are extremely controlling people. I know that they have the best intentions, but I’m being smothered. They have to check all my texts, don’t like me going out and are judgmental of my friends (and my friends don’t drink, do drugs or do anything illegal). I feel so isolated and alone. I stay home every single Friday night. If, on the rare occasion, I do go somewhere, they give me an earful when I get home about how evil my friends are. I usually cry myself to sleep because I feel so caged. I have tried talking to my parents, but they just lecture me again – it’s not worth it. I get so depressed because I want to be able to have fun with friends, but instead I have to stay home. My parents even charter school me because they don’t want me to be at school. I turn 18 in two years, but I don’t know if I will last that long. My parents insist they will be able to control me even then. — Caged
Dear Caged: First, you need to reach out to adults at school who will listen (teacher, counselor, coach, etc). They can help you with these feelings of isolation and depression. Next, see that freedom is VERY close – that’s probably why your parents are hanging on so tightly. So work within the system and use activities inside your parents’ comfort zone to find more freedom. If they’re into religion, join a youth group. If they’re into academic achievement, use a math or science club to get out. If they’re into the arts, try out for a play or join the band. Your parents know that in 24 months, they’ll no longer be able to control you. Telling you they will control you is a desperate attempt to keep control. You’re so close to being an independent adult – closer than when you started reading this reply. Reach out to adults at school who can help you with the depressed and isolated feelings; there are healthy ways to work through this.
Dear Harlan: I am 50 years old and have been living with my boyfriend for four years now. I love him a lot, but at times I’m not sure, because I want to get married someday and he doesn’t. At least, he is in no hurry. We get along great and I know he loves me, but obviously not enough. I don’t have the energy to go out looking, and flirt or start dating again. What should I do? He says he will marry me, but the question is when? — Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: If you don’t have the energy to find another guy, you probably don’t have the energy to plan a wedding, right? So it’s better that he doesn’t ask you to marry him. But it doesn’t look like this guy will be marrying you in the near future. You can try explaining why marriage is important to you (financially, socially, legally, etc.) and see if that sparks some conversation (again, this takes energy). You can even try couples’ counseling (again, more energy). Or you can just stay with him and enjoy a warm body and no ring. If you want more, it might take a little bit more effort – married or not. (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at Harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614
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