Help Me, Harlan!
Mentor and friend aren"t having an affair, but everyone says they are
By Harlan Cohen
February 18, 2008
Dear Harlan: I have become good friends with an older man. He’s 48, and I’m 26. We do not work in the same office, but I often have to work with him on projects. Although NOTHING inappropriate has EVER happened between us, people are beginning to spread rumors that he and I are having an affair. He is happily married, and I am in a committed relationship. I never had much of a father-figure growing up, and I look to him as a mentor, nothing more. We are never alone in the same room together, and the only time I have contact with him is when we are working together. While we are working, we do talk about our personal lives and other issues. He has given me a lot of good advice, and maybe we should’ve kept the conversation strictly work-related, but how can you work closely with someone for six years and not get to know him a little? He has daughters who are close to my age, and he has told me he sees me as one of his daughters. I value his friendship and don’t want these ugly rumors to ruin things between us, but I don’t know how to handle this situation. So far, he and I have ignored the rumors, but I fear they will continue to get worse until I am forced to no longer work with him in order to save both our reputations. Please help! — Defamed in Pennsylvania
Dear Defamed: People at work need something to talk about. And you’re it.
If you’re sitting on his lap while he mentors you, your co-workers have a reason to think you are having an affair. If everything is legit, these rumors will pass. The more you let them consume you, the more you’ll give your co-workers something to gossip about. While it might be uncomfortable to talk about, ask your mentor what he thinks and how he feels this situation can be defused. Considering this man is your mentor, he might be able to offer some suggestions.
All that being said, a part of me can’t help but wonder if you like him in a way that’s more than just a mentor. I mean, if there wasn’t some truth to this, then you could just turn the other cheek and move on. Ugly rumors that have no foundation will dissolve over time, and assuming there isn’t any truth to these rumors, this, too, shall pass.
Dear Harlan: I was shocked and dismayed in your answer about “Distracted student might be more than a social butterfly.” The drugs used today are the modern-day equivalent to the frontal lobotomy. My grandson has been put on these drugs and has turned into a zombie, with a marked change in personality and demeanor. He doesn’t eat, doesn’t sleep, doesn’t participate in sports anymore, hardly talks and has glazed-over eyes. He was never aggressive with other children and was always cheerful and bouncy, but could sit perfectly still during movies and plays. Now he doesn’t talk at school or have any friends. — A Grandma in Minnesota
Dear Grandma: I’m shocked and dismayed by your shock and dismay. I never told anyone to take medication. I suggested getting evaluated for ADHD. There are non-medical approaches to help treat attention deficit disorders. As for your grandson, I’m sorry he’s had such a tough time, but there are countless people who have been helped by medication. Maybe he needs a new doctor to evaluate his meds. (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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