Help Me, Harlan!
Make sure that you’re boyfriend’s first choice, and not his only choice
By Harlan Cohen
April 28, 2008
Hi Harlan: My boyfriend of three years broke up with me (we were living together) to supposedly be with someone else. So, I’m dealing with heartache, and I started to hang out with a friend who is unhappy with his situation. He is married and in the process of divorcing, but has not moved out of the home that he shares with his wife. In the meantime, I recently found out I have been accepted to medical school, and will be moving out of state. Now, my boyfriend of three years wants me back and says he made a mistake leaving me. Both guys are pursuing me, and I am confused. I don’t want rebound relationships with either one, but my heart still longs to be with my original boyfriend, who sounds like he has come to his senses. However, I am not eager to go back too easily. — Broken in Atlanta
Hi Broken: I’d start by telling the married friend that living with his soon-to-be-ex wife isn’t going to help him get the ladies. I’d then tell the guy you were living with to give you a good reason to take him back.
The questions for him: What’s different now? How do I know you won’t leave me again? Running back to you because it sucks being single or that no one else wants him is not a good enough reason to take him back. Considering you’re going to be a busy med student next year, you’ll have plenty of time to continue to date him (if you take him back) and see if this thing has a future.
Dating through med school will tell you if he’s the real deal. If not, your other friend will have been single for a while and not living with his wife.
Hey Harlan: I’m an easygoing person and love the college atmosphere and having access to everything by living in the dorms. The problem is that a friend of mine whose friend was a transfer student from another school needs a roommate for a house off campus about 1.5 miles away. I’m already set up to live on campus, but with someone I don’t know. The big selling point with the house is that it costs $2,000 to $3,000 less than living on campus. I really like the house, and like how it’s going to be overall cheaper for my sophomore year. So, should I stay on campus and pay more (possibly enjoying more of the college life and being closer to friends) or should I bite the bullet and think about money, because I’m paying off college all by myself? — Justin
Hey Justin: Let’s look at the opportunity costs — ask yourself, “what will living far from campus cost me in terms of involvement, forming relationships and grades?” Being this far from campus (a mile is a long way in the bitter cold or blazing heat) means that you’re less likely to naturally come in contact with friends, professors, opportunities and people from class while doing little things like eating meals, working out, studying and living your day-to-day life.
If money is an issue, find a job on campus. Work as a research assistant, get a job in catering (save on food) or get a job in the residence halls. Yeah, money matters and college is an investment, but what you lose in terms of opportunities and experiences living off campus can be huge. (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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