Help Me, Harlan!
Letter writer wants to know how to escape iron grip of grandfolks
By Harlan Cohen
April 14, 2008
Dear Harlan: I have been living with my grandparents since I was 6. I am now coming up on 20, and they continue to treat me as if I were a 10-year-old. In high school, they never allowed me to go to dances or my senior prom. I am in my third year of college, and nothing has changed. I’m forbidden to leave campus and don’t have a car. I have never been allowed to go out to eat with friends, to go bowling or to go out to watch a movie like others my age. I understand that they want me to succeed in life and to live wonderfully later on, but I can’t help but think I should be able to somewhat enjoy my life now. It’s sad to say, but I’ve been going through this for 14 years, during one of which I was suicidal (at the age of 12). I can talk to my grandmother somewhat, but she stays in the good old-fashioned frame of mind. Just recently, I confessed that I’ve been smoking weed and tobacco products. Of course, my grandparents did not agree with my actions and to this day threaten to pull me out of college. I feel as though they don’t give me an option to have fun and leave the campus (which I do on occasion anyway). Do you think it would be a wise idea to leave my family and go off on my own? — 20 Going on 10
Dear 20 Going on 10: Smoking pot, fighting your grandparents and running away from the problem isn’t going to improve the situation. Your grandparents will just think that they should have been firmer and you’ll feel more alone than ever. I’ve been to more than 300 college campuses, and I can tell you that college is your way out. Every single campus is filled with people who can support you. What you need is a group of people who can be there for you – and not to get you drunk or high. What I’m talking about is a professor to lean on, a counselor in the health center, a mentor in your field of study – someone who can be there to offer you some support and guidance. Turn to religious groups, academic clubs and activities that will put you in rooms with people doing things that will help you grow. On top of this, enlist someone who speaks your grandparents’ language, someone who can help them realize that the way to hold on to you is to loosen their grip. This could be a religious figure or family member they respect. You’re going to need to accept your grandparents for who they are. But first you need to figure out who you are. Running from the problem isn’t going to get you anywhere.
Dear Harlan: In response to “Disgruntled,” the person always paying for her neighbor’s lunch, I also had a friend who took advantage of me, letting me pay for lunches. I nipped it in the bud. As soon as the waitress came to get our order, I asked for separate checks. Problem solved. — Happy Camper
Dear Happy Camper: Requesting separate checks at the start of the meal is too passive-aggressive for me. I think a friend deserves a chance to make good before you go right for the separate check – especially a friend who’s mentioned she’s having some financial hardship. Separate checks are a terrific option, but only as a last resort. (c) Harlan Cohen 2008. Distributed by King Features Syndicate Inc.
Harlan is the author of “The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan(at)helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
Comments
Please log in to post a comment.
