I'm 39, and married four years to a woman I dated for two. She's the mother of my two stepchildren, 13 and 16. The problem is, I may be in love with a girl from high school, the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I've always felt she was the one I was meant to be with. She was popular, and, well, I was not. Still, I can't honestly say that if I'd asked her out, she'd have said no. I wrote her love letters and sent roses on her birthday, which she called to thank me for. Over the years, I haven't stopped thinking about her, and dream about her frequently. At my high school reunion, I heard she's single. She's my Facebook friend, and I wanted to say hi, but she's never on. Yesterday, my dream about her was so emotional that I nearly woke up in tears. I love my wife, but she's more like my best friend. Should I let this affect my marriage? Could I, should I, pursue the woman of my dreams? — Pining

My girlfriend snooped through my belongings and e-mail and even searched web forums for my comments. I feel terribly violated. I'm 29, she's 37, and we've been together for two years. I've never given her any reason to distrust me, but because we've only been having sex once a month as of recently, she assumes I'm cheating. Well, both of my parents died six months ago (both were terminally ill), and I couldn't care less about sex. Before they died, I took a six-month leave of absence and moved across the country to care for them, and my girlfriend quit her job and came with me. Since we returned, she's been unable to find a job or rebuild her social life. I get that she's unhappy, but she keeps bringing up her suspicion, and I keep explaining that I'm not cheating; I'm in deep mourning. I just don't know how I can ever trust her again, let alone respect her. — Laid Flat

Several years ago, this co-worker I was interested in was always stopping by my desk to talk, so I gave her some turtle earrings (they related to a story she once told me). I guess I was trying to tell her I was interested, but she was leaving for two months, so it didn't make sense to ask how she felt about me. A year later, if only to find out what her intentions were, I finally asked her out. She said, "We'll see." A month later, I asked her out again. She said she'd consider it. Thinking I'd upset her, I gave her two more pairs of earrings, also along the nature theme. I waited a week, and asked for her thoughts on going out with me, and she said, "It would be weird." Now, she not only shuns me, I'm the target of other co-workers' veiled criticism. — Not A Bad Guy

My 31-year-old boyfriend has the best clothes, cars, electronics, takes me to the nicest restaurants... you get the picture. He told me he was "an investor," working for himself, making online investments. I eventually asked how he could afford his lifestyle in this economy. He said he "comes from money," and has a trust fund. To me, the fact that his father's a doctor only confirmed there was family money. After six months, he took me to meet his parents. I assumed we'd pull up to a mansion, but it was an apartment complex reminiscent of college housing! I'm not materialistic. I'm from a blue-collar family and have worked since I was 15 (I'm 27). But after a year together, I'm wondering whether he's a liar with tons of debt. Asking questions is hard because I don't want him to think it's the money I care about. I love him and believe he may be "the one," but may rethink that if he's carrying a million in debt. — Worried

My boyfriend and I have a year-old son. His two small boys (from a previous marriage) live with us on weekends. A while back, he cheated and gave me herpes. Had I not been pregnant with our son (unplanned), I would've left him. But I believe once you're pregnant, it's not about you, so I'm trying to make it work. But I hold grudges and haven't been able to forgive him. Also, his parents, who live next door, hate me and have never stopped trying to break us up. They expect him and the two boys at their house for dinner on weekends and many weekdays without me. They show nasty favoritism, spending $300 on a toy for the two boys, but gave my son dollar-store outfits they knew wouldn't fit. Because my boyfriend's mother watches the two other boys after school for very little money (and our son at times, too, charging me four times more), moving isn't an option. — Stuck

My girlfriend of two years just left me, saying she'd fallen out of love. Prior to leaving, she moved into my condo as part of our long-term plan to buy a house together. She insisted on many renovations, and I went along to make her happy. I put in $5,000, we borrowed $15,000 from my grandmother, and we both signed a contract to pay her back. Now she's gone, with $800 she cleaned out of our joint account. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt, and she refuses to pay. I'm being forced to sell the condo. To make matters worse, she confessed she'd had doubts about the relationship before moving in – although she never voiced them; she just demanded expensive home improvements! But, this is all background. My problem is my friends, who met my ex through me. They know what happened, but tell me I have to get used to her being around because they intend to keep inviting her to parties. So, are these people really my friends? They speak words of friendship, but don't back them up. – Very Alone

My online dating profile clearly indicates that I'm a vegan. A woman I’ve been communicating with informed me that she eats a healthy diet, but enjoys meat and fish. Fine with me, but our first phone conversation became an inquisition about whether I would attempt to make her a vegetarian. She compared it to trying to convert someone to another religion. She got intense about it, despite my insistence that I don't proselytize. I finally conceded a belief that vegans are more evolved from a spiritual standpoint. She really went off about this, insisting that she wasn’t about to let anybody change her. At one point, she even said that letting my cat go outside was as cruel as factory farming. Most amazingly, this happened after numerous pleasant e-mails. — Stunned

Recently, you wrote about “female flirting moves recognized across cultures” — smiling, making eye contact and looking away, toying with hair or objects, and touching a guy’s arm. I disagree about them being “recognized.” Female employers have made eye contact and even smiled, but that didn’t mean they wanted a romantic relationship. If a woman toys with an object, it usually means she’s restless and will soon tell me she has somewhere else to be. As for arm-touching, once, when I was on the phone with an auto insurance agent, a receptionist tapped my hand to remind me to mention something. In contrast, when I met my former girlfriend, she grabbed me in such a way that she clearly let me know where I stood with her. Perhaps I'm the only guy missing these signals; then again, I don't like riddles. I’m too shy to pursue a woman, so unless she makes some big move, we end up going our separate ways. — Dateless

A girl practically has to sexually assault you to tell you she’s interested – or, as you put it, “grab” you in such a way that she “clearly” lets you know where you stand. Um… either she wants to be your girlfriend or your urologist?

These flirting moves are human universals, meaning women around the world do these things when they’re attracted to a guy; it’s not like women bang pots and pans together in China. They are typically subconscious signals for both the sender and receiver, and a woman will generally send more than one if her desire goes beyond helping you save a bundle on your car insurance.

While most men aren’t keeping a running tally of a woman’s flirting moves, humans who aren’t on the autism spectrum have a capacity called “theory of mind.” This is a sort of mind-reading – an ability to guess what somebody’s feeling by observing their body language. If some man’s red-faced and flipping you off, you know he probably isn’t longing to buy you a steak dinner. If a woman’s “toying with an object” – say, frantically jiggling the locked doorknob of the supply closet you’re both stuck in – it’s safe to assume she wants to go out, but probably not on a romantic, candlelit date with you.

If you can’t hear what a woman’s body language is telling you, it’s probably because the loudest sound in the room is your low opinion of yourself. So, you’re shy. So are lots of guys. Ask one of them how he got a girlfriend, and you won’t hear “I stayed home complaining bitterly to my cat about being dateless, then this beautiful sweet girl came to my door, asked if I felt shy and resentful, and if so, could she be my girlfriend?”

You are free to wait for that rare woman who will grab you like she cares – and wait and wait, because she’ll probably be the lady who’s paid to roll you over at The Home. The more you avoid what you’re afraid of, the more you ingrain avoidance as your personal operating system and datelessness as your lot in life. If you really are signal-deaf, don’t hit on women in your workplace, but hit on women everywhere else. There’s no need to log hair-twirls; there’s just finding a woman attractive and being man enough to chance 10 seconds of feeling foolish if she says no when you ask her out. Remember, dating’s a numbers game. You could be the biggest worm ever to wriggle the planet, but if you try enough women, one of them will eventually be blind enough, drunk enough, or deluded enough to say yes.

My fiancé broke off our engagement. The ring was his mother’s. She’s left messages, asking to talk – probably about the ring, which my ex accused me of “hijacking.” That bothers me, as does knowing the ring was never really mine. Friends are telling me to keep it. — Miffed

Think of the ring like the toilet in your apartment – something that’s all yours, but not to take with you as a keepsake when you move on. Because it’s jewelry, it seems like a gift, but it’s really a symbol of the marriage to come. If nothing’s to come, the ring should come off and find its way back to its original owner. Yeah, your fiancé was a jerk. And it’s tempting, when people are jerks, to jerk back – which means letting who you are be dictated by others instead of living by your own standards. If you’re just looking to keep the thing, be honest about it. Otherwise, maybe be glad you’re only removing a ring, not looking for a tattoo artist who does decent enough cat and mouse heads to turn “Tom and Kerry Forever” into “Tom and Jerry Forever.” (c)2009, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved

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This man I “met” on a dating Web site had issues with my refusing to give him my number. Initially, we had nice rapport via e-mail, despite his failing to pay attention (asking if I’d been married when I’d already mentioned my divorce lawyer). He apologized and gave me his number, hoping to talk and meet. I told him I’d call, but kept getting busy. Several days later, I called but missed him. He again requested my number so he could call me back (he’d already asked several times), and I told him it takes me time to get comfortable enough to share it. He was “disappointed,” and said if we were going to talk, it should be “right away,” maybe even that day, so he wouldn’t be waiting around. I wrote that he hadn’t been listening again, as I’d said I work days and can’t chat then. I told him to look up Internet dating guidelines, which always advise against dispensing personal contact information until meeting, and said we weren’t a good match. He wrote that my actions indicate I’m not open to a relationship. I asked him to stop e-mailing me. He then e-mailed me twice more, speculating about my psychology. — Tell Me This Isn’t Creepy

I always recommend your column; however, I take issue with your slamming “Joe Spokes” for not directly asking out the girl in his bike group. Besides, only a fool would take a woman on a date and pay. It takes discipline, but if I invite a woman out, I ask her in advance to pay her way. This helps me weed women out. If they just want a free meal, they can go to the homeless shelter, and I won’t have that terrible feeling of being duped into the meal and movie scam. — Outsmarting Them